Mondays

I now have a reason to look forward to Mondays: it's ticker change day, and I get my "My Pregnancy This Week" email from BabyCenter! I'm finding this incredibly exciting. I'm six weeks pregnant today and still feeling good about it. There's a nagging little voice in my head saying, "Careful! Don't get too attached!" But it's too late for caution, and I can only enjoy the moment and hope it doesn't end too soon.

What else? Oh, I made vegetable chili for dinner last night in an attempt to increase my veggie intake, which is generally lacking. Things at work have been a bit better, so time hasn't been dragging quite as much as it was, which definitely helps my mood.

Ultrasound countdown: 10 days to go!

Found My Zen

With 23 days between beta and first ultrasound, I've had lots of time to work up a good level of anxiety. I'm still not quite as far along as I was when I started bleeding last time, so there's that fear, and then there's the worse fear that I could make it as far as my ultrasound only to discover a blighted ovum or some other problem. Time has been crawling by. I so badly want this baby to make it!

I'm not sure what, if anything, is different, but today I woke up feeling peaceful and positive. I have found my zen and hope I can hang onto it for another 12 days, until I can see for myself that everything's okay. I'm so excited to see the tiny flickering heartbeat of MY BABY.

Happy weekend, everyone. :)

Amazing!

From my five-week BabyCenter email: "Already her vital organs, including the heart, kidneys, and liver, are in place and growing." And facial features are already forming. This blows my mind. Just... unbelievable. Grow, baby, grow!

Five Weeks

It seems like ages since I got my first faint positive, but it was really only nine days ago. And my beta was only a week ago. And not much has happened since then.

Symptoms: lots of cramping, occasional breast tenderness, possible slight nausea, possible slight fatigue.

The recurring running commentary in my head goes something like this: baby baby happy baby i'm going to have a baby a healthy baby it's all good baby baby happy baby. This, of course, is meant to soothe the anxiety that sometimes pushes through.

Still 17 days until my first ultrasound...

Willing Suspension of Disbelief

I'm happy, of course, but I'm not as over-the-moon joyful as I think I should be. The truth is that I'm skeptical. Skeptical and scared. After all these months, is this really it? Will this be my healthy baby? I've heard so many sad stories — including stories that started with a good strong beta, I might add — and I had a chemical pregnancy myself just a few months ago. Why should I believe that this will turn out differently? I've never been a superstitious person, and always rolled my eyes at the thought of jinxes, but at this moment I am afraid that believing in it too much just might be tempting fate to take it away.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pretend my life is a work of fiction, and the plot has just taken a weird and wonderful turn. I'm still enjoying the story, very much so, but if I think about it too much I could easily pull apart the plot and expose its holes. Instead, I've made a conscious decision not to ruin it. I've willingly suspended my disbelief.

My first ultrasound is on September 25. It can't come soon enough!

Happiness

I'm pregnant! My beta at 14DPO is 162, a good, solid number. Dr. L says it's good enough that we don't need to do repeat betas, which is probably a good thing. One less thing to obsess over. I can be confident, for now, that I am indeed pregnant. I will have my first ultrasound in about two weeks. Can't wait!

So far, my only symptoms are those cramps that are not quite AF cramps and also unusual tiredness.

An elephant's gestation lasts about 22 months. That's how long it took me to get pregnant. I am grateful, then, that human gestation is just nine months.

Teaser

My beta is tomorrow, and I think I have reason to be excited... Look for more news tomorrow!