New Look Complete

Thanks for your votes yesterday! It was a close race, but it looks like #3 is the winner. See above for pretty new blog header. This was really my favourite too, with #2 as a close second. But nobody voted for #2, so I guess my sense of aesthetics must have been off with that one.

I'll probably tweak #3 a bit, but I love the font and the colour. Someone commented that it looks hopeful, which is appropriate and good. I am hopeful. I can't wait to get going on IUI#3. "Only" 15 days till my post-op appointment with Dr. L, when I expect to finally get this show on the road.

A New Look!

Help me choose a new header image for my blog! I've clearly had too much time on my hands lately. Which is your favourite? Please vote in the comments section!

#1

#2





#3






#4





#5

Failing to Kick the Habit

Remember that post last Saturday, "Trying to Kick the Habit"? Well, I haven't done anything I said I was going to do. The diet stalled before it got out of the driveway, I have done very little exercise, and I've been spending as much time as ever on the Nest's Trouble TTC board. I did stop temping, but only for four days.

Oh, and my cousin came back to stay with us for another month because she got a job — yay! I like having her here, but I'm much more likely to indulge in bad food (and bad TV) while she's around.

Let me tell you about the temping. Last Saturday it was CD32 and I was feeling pretty certain that I would not be ovulating this cycle. But it kept niggling at me — what if? It's hard not having that information when you're so used to it. And so, because apparently I'm an addict, I resumed temping on Thursday — just in time to see a temperature shift that has continued for five days now. It's not super high, but it's higher than my usual follicular phase temps.

So, I might have ovulated! Good, right? Well... maybe not. If I did ovulate last week, my next cycle will start about five days before my post-op appointment with Dr. L, and I might have to sit out yet another cycle. I guess I could call and beg for an earlier appointment, but I always feel like such a whiny, needy pain in the ass when I do stuff like that.

Due Diligence?

Did I do my due diligence in all this infertility stuff? Should I have done more?

Sometimes I think we went about this all wrong. I went off BCP fully expecting what did in fact happen — nothing. Okay, I had one AF the next month, and I thought, cool, what a great time for my body to decide to start working! And then nothing, for the next five months. But the point is that I expected it. And instead of doing something about it — instead of, say, researching fertility diets that promote ovulation or going on any diet just to get healthier and lose some weight — I just waited. I took my prenatal vitamins and I waited until I was due for my annual checkup, and then I went in and got my referral to an IF specialist.

Now I wish I hadn't been in such a hurry. And I wonder, since I'd only been off BCP for six months, why didn't my doctor suggest trying ways to get my cycles going naturally? Or, why didn't she look at me long enough to figure out I probably have PCOS and put me on metformin to see if that helped before sending me off to the specialist?

Even now, one year into treatment, I still haven't got my act together. My attempts at dieting are half-hearted and laughable, really. Whenever I read about a particular diet I get overwhelmed and doom myself to failure before I begin. (The GI diet was great for about two weeks.) Every time I see Dr. L he asks me, "Have you lost any weight?" And I say, "I don't think so," and I feel ashamed.

My long-term plan, assuming continued infertility, is this: I'm going to do four more IUIs, for a total of six, and if I'm still not pregnant, I'm going to take a long break before thinking about IVF. And during that break I'm going to go all out — I'm going to do acupuncture and really commit to a diet and make my body a lean, mean, baby-making machine. And if that doesn't work, I'll consider IVF.

But wait, isn't that plan all wrong? Why am I not taking a long break now and doing all that stuff? Oh, I know. Because now I've been trying for 18 months and now — now I'm impatient.

I'm editing this post to add a footnote: I did lose 30 pounds the year before I stopped taking BCP, and I have somehow kept it off, so technically I'm in the best shape of my adult life. I only need to lose another 20 to fall into "normal" range, and I guess there is a part of my brain protesting that an extra 20 pounds can't possibly be what's preventing me from getting pregnant. But still.

Random Pic of the Day

Since I don't have much going on, I thought I'd throw in a random pic. This is my mom's dog, Riley. (Well, I paid for half of him, but then the next year I went away to college and he's been hers ever since.) He is the love of my life next to my husband — such a sweetheart! In case you're wondering, he is three-quarters sheltie and one-quarter poodle.

Trying to Kick the Habit

K and I rented Juno tonight, and we both enjoyed it. It was cute and sweet and funny, and the only character I didn't like was Vanessa, the adoptive mother, played by Jennifer Garner. I was uncomfortable with how ... fragile and desperate she seemed. Maybe I'm just afraid that will be me someday, or that others will see me that way. But I loved the title character, and the relationships seemed very real. Two thumbs up.

I have decided that the best way to make the next month until my post-op appointment go by quickly is to try to put it out of my mind as much as possible — "it" being IF and TTC. I have been completely unsuccessful with that during all previous breaks, but I'm going to give it another shot. Why is it such an all-consuming obsession? I'm going to stop temping (it's CD32 and there's no sign of o) and I'm going to try hard not to talk about "it" and to lay off the Nest. What else can I do? I will continue to take my twice-daily prenatal vitamins, of course. Luckily, if you want to call it luck, I'm desperately swamped at work and should be concentrating on that. I need to be about 300 percent more productive than I have been in recent months.

What will happen to this blog, you might wonder? Well, as I mentioned in the previous post, besides work I'm going to try to focus on losing some weight — 20 pounds to my goal weight. My cousin has been staying with us for the past month (she's 22 and size 6), and we kind of used her as an excuse to eat out a lot and to have plenty of treats and "fun food" on hand. Well, she left this morning, depriving us of our excuse. So, I guess I'll post about that once in a while.

But you'll have to allow me just one more tiny rant: I've been TTC for 18 months now, and in that time I have ovulated just five times, and I'm probably not going to ovulate again until June. That sucks ever so much.

Okay, I'm done. :)

And Another Long Wait Begins

I finally made my post-op appointment, and it's not until May 15 (which also happens to be my fourth wedding anniversary, btw). This is apparently just the way Dr. L does things — the post-op appointment is always four to six weeks after the op.

Does he not understand how incredibly frustrating this is for his patients? My last treatment cycle ended with a BFN on February 5, and then I had to wait for two months for the lap (was supposed to be 3.5 months but happily I got a cancellation spot), and now I have to wait another five weeks for the post-op. Seems a little ridiculous to me, especially considering that I'm anxious to hear his take on the endo. And then I'll probably have to take Provera to start my next cycle, so that's yet another two weeks before we can get moving again.

IUI#1 was in October, IUI#2 was in January, and now IUI#3 will be in June — sooo much waiting! I think I've been pretty patient, but at the moment I'm feeling incredibly frustrated, and sad, too. :(

Back to reality

So, today was my first day back to work after the lap. I was exhausted all day and almost immediately overwhelmed by my workload. I can't believe I was so lazy over my holidays — I should have been working! (Just kidding, of course I shouldn't have been working...) I applied for a new job yesterday. I really hope I get an interview.

Sadly, I'm not going to have anything TTC related to talk about here for a few weeks. Sometime this week the nurse from Dr. L's office is going to call to check up on me and schedule my follow-up appointment. In the meantime, I really am going to try to focus on eating well and losing weight. Would you believe I actually gained a pound last week? Ridiculous.

Recovering

We went outside for a little walk yesterday — just across the street to Shoppers Drug Mart and Blockbuster — and I discovered that feeling okay while walking around the apartment does not necessarily mean I will feel okay walking around outside. I suppose I was trying to take longer or quicker strides. Whatever, it caused painful stretching of my abdomen, and I ended up sort of hobbling and slightly hunched over, and I had renewed vaginal bleeding when I got home. It's all good, though. My instructions were to gradually resume normal activities, doing a little more each day, so that's what I'm trying to do.

K, my darling, has been wonderful. He made me Rice Krispie squares and has been fetching me drinks (even tea, which he usually refuses to do, claiming ignorance of the intricacies of the steeping process) and setting up DVDs. I've watched so many episodes of Gilmore Girls. :)

I'm dreading my return to work on Monday. I can't wait to have this conversation over and over: "Yes, I did enjoy my holidays ... No, we didn't go anywhere ... No, we mostly just hung out at home ... Yes, it was a bit boring ... Well, I guess we're just boring people." LOL

Lap Continued

Yes, I have still more thoughts to share about it, but yesterday's post was quite long enough!

I want to say, as a follow-up to my anxiety post a couple of days ago, that the hospital was not intimidating, and the staff were all very nice and sweet and made jokes to get me to relax.

And here's the best part: When Dr. L spoke to K right after the surgery, he said our chances have been improved by 18 percent. That sounds like a completely random number to me, but I'll take it! I'm afraid my optimism is going to be out of control next cycle.

Since I'm not taking metformin this cycle, I figure I'm not likely to get AF before my follow-up appointment next month. Dr. L will have to give me provera to bring on a bleed and we should get IUI cycle #3 going by late May. Come on, baby!

My Lap Experience

Yesterday I was mostly okay. Hungry on and off, but nothing I couldn't handle. This morning I was miserable. For some unfathomable reason we had to be at the hospital two hours before surgery. Shortly after I got there they dressed me in the hospital gown, robe, and slippers, took my blood pressure, asked a few questions, gave me a blanket, and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for almost two more hours. I had a headache that was bordering on a migraine and I had to rush to the bathroom to throw up bile three or four times. And I was freezing but having occasional hot flashes. I put my head on K's shoulder and tried to sleep. I think I managed to doze for a while.

Finally they came and got me and I couldn't wait for them to knock me out. I remember the IV going in, then looking around waiting to feel groggy or something, and then I was gone. When I woke up I was incredibly thirsty and shivering hard under a heated blanket. Once the shivering was over and I was a little more awake, I actually felt okay — definitely better than I had pre-op.

They moved me to recovery, gave me water, and K came to see me. He told me the results: apparently they removed some endo. Just a bit from two spots. I was not expecting that! I thought there would be some scar tissue, and we actually got conflicting reports on that. Dr. L told K there was no scar tissue, but when his assistant stopped by to go over the results with me she said they removed a small band of scar tissue. She also said they were expecting to see a polyp and there wasn't one. Um, I didn't know we suspected polyps. Weird. I'm supposed to go for a follow-up with Dr. L in about four weeks.

Anyway, they told me to sleep, and K went away, but I couldn't sleep. It was loud in there and I had to pee. Finally I got a nurse's attention and she took me to the bathroom. One of my fears going in was that I wouldn't be able to pee afterwards (there'd been a couple of recent posts about that on the Nest), but I had no problem. The nurse even seemed impressed by how much I went. LOL Also, there was a lot of blood from, the nurse said, moving my uterus around. Ew.

By the time K came back I still hadn't slept, so they discharged me and we took a cab home. We were at the hospital from 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m., and poor K was there the whole time, bless his bored little heart, mostly doing Sudoku puzzles on the Nintendo DS. I ate some toast when we got home (which made me very full) and had a nap from 6:30 to 8:00. I have some tenderness in my abdomen and pain at my incision sites, a sore throat (probably from a breathing tube, although I have no memory or knowledge of one), and a bit of shoulder pain from the carbon dioxide they used to expand my abdomen during the surgery. So far I've taken one Tylenol 3. Overall, I'm feeling surprisingly okay.

Well! That account turned out to be way more detailed than I was expecting. I highlighted the results in blue in case anyone got bored and just wanted to get to the meat of the matter. :)

Eek!

It's finally here! Today is bowel prep day, and tomorrow is my laparoscopy (and dye injection, hysteroscopy, and D&C).

I was allowed to have a light breakfast before 8:00 a.m., and now I can have only clear fluids until 6:30 a.m. tomorrow, after which time I can have "nothing by mouth." (The surgery's at 10:30 a.m.) We just came back from buying supplies at the grocery store. Today's menu for me: water, apple juice, Popsicles, Jell-o, and clear tea. At noon I have to start drinking a bottle of Citromag, and I'm supposed to make it last two hours. Mmmm. Delicious and fun.

I'm feeling nervous right now. I find hospitals and hospital staff to be very intimidating. My own infertility doc is performing the surgery, which is somewhat reassuring. I've heard from another patient who's had a couple of laps, one with him and one with another doc, that he's very good at it (as he should be; it's listed as one of his specialties on his business card).

I know that this is a common procedure for those dealing with infertility, but at times like this it feels just a bit surreal — going to such lengths to try to get pregnant. I'm having surgery tomorrow. I'm having surgery when there might not be anything wrong. I know it's important to know for sure, but there is definitely a little part of my brain saying, "This is crazy!"

Am I the only one who feels this way?

A Few Carefree Days

These past few work-free, worry-free days have been wonderful. On the weekend I played glow-in-the-dark minigolf, saw a movie at the theatre, ate out, and spent time with family and friends.

Today, I got a haircut (not quite what I wanted but I like it anyway), bought some new lipstick (in a subtle, barely-there shade that I feel very comfortable with), went to the dentist (no cavities!), and had dinner at a restaurant (again). It was a lovely day. Here's a picture in which you can see my new haircut, my new lipstick, and my newly cleaned teeth.



(My hubby must think I'm nuts. I took about ten pictures
of myself before I got one that satisfied me. I really don't
photograph well.)

Reprieve!

My "holidays" have become holidays! Yeah, I still have to fast on Tuesday and spend all day Wednesday at the hospital, but I'm not going to do anything work related for a whole week. I spoke to my supervisor about my workload issues and he said we could give the book I was going to spend my holidays working on to the intern. I was so relieved I almost cried, if that makes any sense. I honestly didn't imagine the solution would be that easy.

I hate to realize that I brought so much stress on myself just because I didn't want to admit that I was so far behind, and I didn't want to cause problems for my supervisor, who has enough stress of his own. I kept thinking I can handle this, I should be able to handle this, and blaming myself for not working fast enough, for being too distracted in the office, etc.

But I realized that this week needs to be about me. I'm going to get a haircut and I'm going to watch movies and Gilmore Girls episodes. And I'm not going to worry about work one little bit! It'll be fabulous.

"Holidays"; Or, Why I Need a New Job

I just can't handle the workload anymore. I routinely give up weekends and evenings to try to keep up, and frankly I resent it. I know it's at least partly because I'm not as productive as I should be at the office these days, but that can't possibly account for all of it.

Here's the deal: I copyedit books. And once again, my entire schedule for a book has blown by without me having had any time to actually work on that book. This particular book would normally be a three-week project. I had already agreed to do it in two weeks. Now I will be attempting to do it in one week — my "holidays." My "holidays" during which I will also be having my laparoscopy.

I'm not happy about this. It seems wrong. But there's no easy way to deal with it, and I just really just want to run away and maybe hibernate for a few months. Here's a picture:

Random Pic of the Day

I searched for years to find the perfect tea set that wasn't shockingly expensive. I finally found this one in January and I love it. It's so me — so smooth and shiny and pretty pale blue. It makes me happy. I think Austin likes it too. :)