Anticlimactic Follow-up

As usual, I was worrying excessively over something silly. Today, when my boss was handing out pay stubs, she asked me how my workload is, "now that we've loaded you up." I told her I could use some more work, actually, and she said she'd think about what she could give me. I thought, "Uh-oh, I'd better tell her before she makes any decisions!"

So I screwed up some nerve and went to see her in her office a little while later. I know she could tell I was nervous and she was SO nice! She said it's great news and must have said congratulations about a dozen times. Apparently my fill-in will start two months before I leave and stay for two months after I return (if I return, she said, adding that she very much hopes I do). By the time I return (if I return), this person will have spent several more months working on my projects than I have. That'll be a bit weird.

I'm going shopping tomorrow. I might buy my first maternity items, since most of my pants are now leaving welts on my belly after a day at the office. I'm not loving this in-between stage. I hate all my clothes and struggle every day with picking out an outfit.

Work Worries

I started a new job in June. My six-month probation doesn't end until mid-December, when I will be about 20 weeks pregnant. I don't feel comfortable waiting that long to tell. I've set 16 weeks as an arbitrary deadline, but there's a problem. I'm extremely short on work and need to ask for more. I told the boss a while ago that eventually, once I've gotten the mess I inherited cleaned up, I will need more work, so it won't come as a surprise. But I don't want to bring that up that until I spill the beans about my impending leave (one year in Canada), since that info will likely determine what kind of work the boss will want to give me.

I'm so nervous about this. Today the boss was in her office most of the day (rare) and I tried to talk myself into going in to talk to her. Instead I talked myself into waiting until next week. I'm such a coward. I got all shaky just thinking about it.

I sort of feel embarrassed and guilty, like I accepted the job under false pretenses. Won't they assume that I must have been trying? Or will they believe that I got knocked up accidentally? I'm not sure which assumption makes me look worse. Why do I even care? Yeah, that's right, the new girl's pregnant. And proud of it! I'm such an idiot. LOL

Adjusting

I'm not sure yet how I feel about my new job. There's definitely a part of my brain crying "What have I done?" I assume this is normal and that once I settle in and actually know what I'm doing and how to do it I'll be okay. I'm also feeling lonely. It seems I relied on work for a good part of my social interaction and I'm missing it badly.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty down. I need to find some new hobbies and interests. I need to get a life. There are some pretty pathetic things going through my head that I can't quite bring myself to record here on the Internet, so I think I'd better sign off for now. Peace out.

Substitute Doc

The substitute doc is probably the sweetest medical professional I have ever met. Seriously, her sympathy almost brought tears to my eyes. She just wanted to meet me and familiarize herself with my situation and reassure me that she will be watching me closely until my beta reaches zero. Next beta is Thursday. She says she thinks I'm right, that the bleed after I finish the BCP next week will clear out whatever was causing the hCG.

Hmm, see, writing this blog helps me think things out and come up with new questions. If my hCG drops low enough in the next couple of days to cause me to bleed, will I bleed a second time next week when I finish the BCP? Should I stop taking the BCP if I start bleeding before I finish the pack? Does it matter? Is this something I should call the substitute doc about (if it happens)?

When not hanging out at various medical facilities, I spent the last two days, my precious days off in between jobs, shopping. I purchased three T-shirts, three fancier office-appropriate shirts, a jacket, and a bra. And I bought six other items over the past month or so. This is probably the biggest shopping spree I have been on in my life! And I may still buy more. I was reluctant at first, because I am (as ever) trying to lose weight, but in the meantime I do still need to wear clothes. I felt like I had NO summer clothes that fit me and that I liked — not even casual stuff. Now I have maybe half of a decent summer wardrobe.

Today I also treated myself to brunch at a place I've been eying for months. It was awesome! I had french toast and crepes covered in a mountain of fruit and served with English cream. Oh, and a strawberry banana smoothie. So freaking good! I'm going to have to drag Keith back there soon.

In case you're wondering, I did not manage to settle on a spa treatment in time. I'll save it for later. Maybe my birthday?

I'm nervous about starting my new job tomorrow. You know, What if it's too hard? What if I screw up? What if nobody talks to me? What if toilet paper gets stuck to my shoe? What if I'm having a bad hair day? Wish me luck!

Happy Long Weekend To Me!

My old, stressful, frequent-unpaid-overtime job is over and I'm so relieved! It was surreal handing in my key and leaving after my farewell party on Friday, knowing that I would never be back. Well, I suppose I'll probably be back for a visit at some point, but you know what I mean.

They gave me some amazingly generous parting gifts, including a $100 gift card for my favourite clothing store and a $100 gift card to a selection of spas! I've never been to a spa before. I was thinking it would be nice to go on Tuesday, the day before I start my new job, but what should I have done? Mani/pedi/facial? Massage? Body wrap? I'm overwhelmed by the choices. I was sort of interested in getting a haircut by the "creative director" for $55 (way more than I usually spend on hair), but my friend told me that was too practical and spas are not for being practical! What do you guys think? Any treatment recommendations?

Back to the lingering hCG drama. Friday's beta was 51, up from 40 on Monday. I rushed in to see Dr. L one last time before his vacation to go over my u/s results with him, but since there really wasn't anything to discuss, he mostly just told me about the colleague who will be taking care of me while he's away. I think he was already on vacation in his mind. He didn't mention the methotrexate shot. Apparently he's leaving the decision-making regarding resolving this little problem to his colleague.

I have beta #10 (!) tomorrow and then an appointment with the substitute doc on Tuesday. I'm sad that I have to get up early and go downtown on both my days off between jobs.

Useless Ultrasound #2

After a false start yesterday (no need to rehash the details, but the u/s clinic screwed up and had to reschedule me after I had been waiting, full bladder and all, for 45 minutes), I had Useless Ultrasound #2 this afternoon. It was a total replay of Useless Ultrasound #1, except the reception staff were super sweet to me and rushed me right in because of yesterday's screwup.

The tech (a nicer one this time) did the pelvic u/s, let me go pee, did the transvaginal part, then went to get the doc that Dr. L insisted must look at me himself. This is the same doc who looked at me last time. So, u/s doc repeats the transvag part. At one point he muttered to the tech about something on the right side, but then he turned to me and said everything looks great! And repeated the wisdom that usually nothing can be seen by u/s when the hCG is less than 1000. Okay, but Dr. L must know that, right? There must be a reason he keeps sending me here? Ugh.

U/s doc says there's nothing to do but wait for the hCG to get higher. I should come back when it's in the hundreds. Yeah, okay. I hate that guy.

I must get to Dr. L's office at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow to catch him before he dashes off to do his rounds. It's my last chance to talk to him before his month-long vacation. I'm half expecting him to recommend going ahead with the methotrexate shot. I suppose I'll go along with it. I just want this to be over.

Speaking of things being over, tomorrow is my last day at my soon-to-be-former job. I'm happy/sad/stressed. It's a half-day, because of summer hours (which my new job sadly doesn't do), and they're having a little farewell lunch for me. My good friend and soon-to-be-former coworker who is currently on maternity leave will be coming in to join the party and then hang out with me for a bit afterwards. She and her adorable chubby baby will take some of the spotlight pressure away from me. Goodbye parties really aren't my style. I'd rather leave silently in the night and send a nice farewell email later. LOL

Useless Ultrasound

This afternoon I had my pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound to look for "retained products of conception." Everything looked fine; there was nothing to see. Of course there was nothing to see! My hCG was 25 today (up from 21 on Monday), and apparently they don't expect to see anything via ultrasound until hCG is over 1,000! I don't understand why Dr. L was so keen on me having this ultrasound ASAP. It seems there's nothing to do but monitor the situation and wait for something to happen.

Now for some good news: I got the job! I start on June 18. Yay, I'm so excited! Giving notice will be hard, and the next two weeks will be hectic and awkward, but I'll get through it.

In Other News...

Remember the job interview? Apparently I did "very well" on the tests and they want me to come in for a second interview next week. Of course, I am now grappling anew with the ethics of the situation — much worse now that I would be accepting a job knowing that I'm pregnant and won't be staying for long.

So far the advice I have gotten is unanimously that I should do what's best for me. This kind of thing happens all the time, and the company doesn't need me to look out for its interests. Yeah, but...

Obviously it's premature to worry about accepting an offer I haven't yet received. For now I have decided only to go ahead and do the interview.

Let's Get This Party Started

Well, I thought AF would be here by now, but no such luck. There was some ambiguous spotting on Thursday and I thought it had arrived earlier than expected, but nope. I've been crampy and headachy for days, so it seems like something's going on. I POAS (peed on a stick, for those not up to speed on the acronyms) this morning but it was a clear negative. So... I wait. My post-op appointment is on Thursday, so I guess if AF is still absent by then I can get started on Provera to bring on my next cycle, but I hope that won't be necessary.

In other news, after grappling briefly with my excessively guilty conscience, I had a job interview last week. Or, rather, a pre-interview test. I feel confident about the editing part but I'm not so sure about the writing part. I think this would be a good change for me, so I hope hope hope I make it to the next stage. I should find out this week.

This could shape up to be an eventful week. I'll keep you posted. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats.

Back to reality

So, today was my first day back to work after the lap. I was exhausted all day and almost immediately overwhelmed by my workload. I can't believe I was so lazy over my holidays — I should have been working! (Just kidding, of course I shouldn't have been working...) I applied for a new job yesterday. I really hope I get an interview.

Sadly, I'm not going to have anything TTC related to talk about here for a few weeks. Sometime this week the nurse from Dr. L's office is going to call to check up on me and schedule my follow-up appointment. In the meantime, I really am going to try to focus on eating well and losing weight. Would you believe I actually gained a pound last week? Ridiculous.

Reprieve!

My "holidays" have become holidays! Yeah, I still have to fast on Tuesday and spend all day Wednesday at the hospital, but I'm not going to do anything work related for a whole week. I spoke to my supervisor about my workload issues and he said we could give the book I was going to spend my holidays working on to the intern. I was so relieved I almost cried, if that makes any sense. I honestly didn't imagine the solution would be that easy.

I hate to realize that I brought so much stress on myself just because I didn't want to admit that I was so far behind, and I didn't want to cause problems for my supervisor, who has enough stress of his own. I kept thinking I can handle this, I should be able to handle this, and blaming myself for not working fast enough, for being too distracted in the office, etc.

But I realized that this week needs to be about me. I'm going to get a haircut and I'm going to watch movies and Gilmore Girls episodes. And I'm not going to worry about work one little bit! It'll be fabulous.

"Holidays"; Or, Why I Need a New Job

I just can't handle the workload anymore. I routinely give up weekends and evenings to try to keep up, and frankly I resent it. I know it's at least partly because I'm not as productive as I should be at the office these days, but that can't possibly account for all of it.

Here's the deal: I copyedit books. And once again, my entire schedule for a book has blown by without me having had any time to actually work on that book. This particular book would normally be a three-week project. I had already agreed to do it in two weeks. Now I will be attempting to do it in one week — my "holidays." My "holidays" during which I will also be having my laparoscopy.

I'm not happy about this. It seems wrong. But there's no easy way to deal with it, and I just really just want to run away and maybe hibernate for a few months. Here's a picture:

Monday, Monday

I'm in a pretty foul mood today. Work sucks. I should have spent most of the weekend working on the two projects I brought home (uncompensated overtime, by the way), but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Which means I'm woefully behind this week, with my "holidays" looming on the horizon.

I'm quietly freaking out, as you'd already know if you were my friend on Facebook (lol). One of the projects must be done by the end of this week, and the other — well, I guess I'll work on the other while I'm recovering from my laparoscopy next week. It'll be a welcome diversion from all the daytime television I might otherwise be tempted to watch. Yeah.

I'm already mourning my lost holidays. I feel like I desperately need some time off, because work has been insanely busy for months on end now, and the Christmas break was a long time ago. But this is not how I want to spend it — working, a day of fasting and bowel prep followed by a day at the hospital, and then couch time with more working.

Oh, yes, I'm sure I'll return to the office feeling fully refreshed.

Life On Hold?

Why, you might wonder, do I say my life is on hold? Anyone who has experienced IF knows what I mean. It is all-consuming. I think about it every day and it influences all of our major life decisions. Let me break it down for you.

I want to leave the big city and return to my hometown, about two hours away, where I can be near my family and where we could actually afford to buy a house. Regardless of where we live, I want a new job.

Here's the thing: IF is expensive. If we leave the big city, we will have to get new jobs in my hometown, and salaries in my hometown are lower than they are here. This is not a huge problem, generally; we would still be able to afford a house. But we might not be able to afford IF treatments. We certainly would not be able to afford both a house and IF treatments.

Another thing to consider: are IF treatments as readily available in my hometown? I have no idea.

Okay, so why don't I get a new job in the big city in the meantime? Well, I'm getting to the point where I just want out, so the concerns I'm about to list are dimming. I fear at a new job I would not have the flexibility I need to attend IF appointments, monitoring, and procedures. I think I would feel guilty if I got a new job and then got pregnant shortly after. But I've been trying for a year and a half now — let's face it, I might not get pregnant any time soon.

My original dream was to get pregnant, stay at my current job until the baby comes, then move to my hometown during my maternity/parental leave (one year in Ontario), possibly buy a house, and take it from there. Ideally, K would be able to keep his current job and work from home, but it's looking like that's not going to work out.

At the very least, finally achieving pregnancy would force us to make decisions and kick us out of our rut.

I desperately need to get out of this rut.