Halfway!

I made it to 20 weeks! To celebrate the halfway milestone, here's my first self-conscious belly pic. I was a size 14 pre-pregnancy, and for the longest time I just felt like I was getting thicker (read fatter) around the middle. I think it's finally clear that this is a baby belly. I've gained 12 pounds so far. I can live with that number.



And here's another first: my first purchase for baby. I bought it on impulse last week at Toys 'R Us while I was desperately searching for Christmas presents for my stepsister's girls. I got choked up just looking at the baby boy clothes and even a little teary at the checkout. Damn hormones! LOL



You might have noticed that I still haven't posted the promised ultrasound pics from the anatomy scan a week ago. I think I'll hold off until after the holidays... because today I found out I have to have another anatomy scan! Apparently the ultrasound doctor wasn't able to get all of the measurements he needs, so I'm going for a do-over on January 2. I hope to get some more pictures then.

Being Realistic

I need to give up the dream. We are not going to be moving to my hometown and buying a house any time soon. We are stuck in the big city. I get all choked up and depressed when thinking about staying here indefinitely, but I need to get over it and get used to the idea. Keith doesn't want to give up his job and it would be horrible of me to pitch a fit and insist he uproot his entire life (and risk our financial stability) to make me happy. He says maybe we can do it in another year or two, but I don't see what will have changed.

What's my life going to look like here? What will I do after my maternity leave? (I don't think I want to go back to my current job.) What kind of daycare will we get for the baby — should we be getting on waiting lists now? Will we ever own a home?

At least we will own a car, so I'll be able to visit my out-of-town family and friends whenever I want to while I'm on leave. I imagine that's going to be very important to me.

Big Ultrasound

I had my big ultrasound today. We got to see the baby moving around, kicking, waving, and even yawning — and yes, we were able to find out the sex. We're having a boy! My son currently weighs 250 grams (or 9 ounces, if you prefer). I think it's pretty neat that they can estimate the weight based on a few measurements.

We got four ultrasound pictures but they're not very clear. I'll try to post a couple later this weekend.

I think I have been imagining myself with a daughter, so this idea will take some getting used to, but of course I am so very happy and grateful that everything looks perfect and perfectly normal.

The ultrasound clinic was near Keith's parents' place, so we headed over there afterwards to share the news. Upon hearing that it's a boy, my FIL said excitedly, "That's what we wanted!" And Keith and I laughed and reminded him that when we first announced the pregnancy he'd said it had better be a girl because they already have a grandson (age 13). Too funny!

We're celebrating Christmas with Keith's family tomorrow because his parents are going to Florida for two weeks over the real Christmas. I just finished baking cookies to bring. Keith, like a kid, loves that he gets to open presents early, and will get more in a couple of weeks. OMG, I can't believe real Christmas is less than two weeks away! I'm so not ready!

Let's Talk About Sex!

Things are pretty quiet over here. I want to keep a more active blog but I haven't had much to say that would be worth your while to read. I feel fine and I don't look pregnant yet — just fat. I promise to post a belly pic just as soon as I have something resembling a baby bump, whenever that might be.

But there's some excitement on the horizon. Our big ultrasound is on Friday! I can't wait to see our baby again, to hear its heartbeat, and, I hope, to find out its sex.

It's funny how many of our relatives, and especially my relatives, think we're "ruining the surprise" by finding out the gender. I really thought everyone would be as excited to find out as we are. (My friend had the opposite experience and got a fair bit of backlash from her family when she decided not to find out.) Even my grandfather said we shouldn't find out. Surprisingly, my grandmother was on my side: she said she would have loved to find out if the technology had been available when she was pregnant with any of her six kids.

But, really, I think there will be quite enough excitement going on the day I give birth. Nothing will be "ruined" because we know. I think I need the "surprise" more now than I will then. Knowing the gender will help us (me) bond with the baby, help this feel more real. I will enjoy being able to apply a pronoun other than "it" to my child. Plus, we're going to need all the time we can get to come up with a name we agree on and love!

How do you feel about finding out the sex? If you already have a baby, what did you do? Are you glad you made the decision you did? Why or why not?

Knitting

Funny how being pregnant can bring out all sorts of domestic tendencies (and fantasies). I learned how to knit as a child but have done very little of it in my adult years. Last Christmas I decided I wanted to get back into it and put a few knitting books on my wish list. It took being three months pregnant, however, to finally make me pick up the needles. These hats are my first creations in more than ten years. I used the Umbilical Cord Hat pattern in Debbie Stoller's Stitch 'N Bitch book. I'm also working on the Big Bad Baby Blanket from the same book. Loving it so far!

Anticlimactic Follow-up

As usual, I was worrying excessively over something silly. Today, when my boss was handing out pay stubs, she asked me how my workload is, "now that we've loaded you up." I told her I could use some more work, actually, and she said she'd think about what she could give me. I thought, "Uh-oh, I'd better tell her before she makes any decisions!"

So I screwed up some nerve and went to see her in her office a little while later. I know she could tell I was nervous and she was SO nice! She said it's great news and must have said congratulations about a dozen times. Apparently my fill-in will start two months before I leave and stay for two months after I return (if I return, she said, adding that she very much hopes I do). By the time I return (if I return), this person will have spent several more months working on my projects than I have. That'll be a bit weird.

I'm going shopping tomorrow. I might buy my first maternity items, since most of my pants are now leaving welts on my belly after a day at the office. I'm not loving this in-between stage. I hate all my clothes and struggle every day with picking out an outfit.

Work Worries

I started a new job in June. My six-month probation doesn't end until mid-December, when I will be about 20 weeks pregnant. I don't feel comfortable waiting that long to tell. I've set 16 weeks as an arbitrary deadline, but there's a problem. I'm extremely short on work and need to ask for more. I told the boss a while ago that eventually, once I've gotten the mess I inherited cleaned up, I will need more work, so it won't come as a surprise. But I don't want to bring that up that until I spill the beans about my impending leave (one year in Canada), since that info will likely determine what kind of work the boss will want to give me.

I'm so nervous about this. Today the boss was in her office most of the day (rare) and I tried to talk myself into going in to talk to her. Instead I talked myself into waiting until next week. I'm such a coward. I got all shaky just thinking about it.

I sort of feel embarrassed and guilty, like I accepted the job under false pretenses. Won't they assume that I must have been trying? Or will they believe that I got knocked up accidentally? I'm not sure which assumption makes me look worse. Why do I even care? Yeah, that's right, the new girl's pregnant. And proud of it! I'm such an idiot. LOL

Small Milestones

Today is a doubly good day: it's my birthday (thirty-first, in case you're wondering) and also the official last day of my first trimester. Woohoo! We had a low-key celebration. Keith and I went out for dinner and then ate a little cake at home.

I bought some clothes (sweater and a couple of camisoles for layering) today, as a little birthday present to myself — NOT maternity, but I should be able to wear them for a few weeks (months?) yet. A friend sent me a gift certificate to a maternity store, and I have a shopping trip planned with another friend in a couple of weeks. You can bet I'll be buying maternity then!

In the meantime, the elastic-through-the-buttonhole trick should get me by. I did that for the first time today, and it was great. I'm in that awful "I feel fat!" phase and hate how I look in all of my clothes.

Formerly "A Life On Hold"

I guess it's time to acknowledge that the premise of my former blog title no longer applies. My previously stalled life is now moving forward at the same rate as my belly is growing. While the first trimester has dragged by, I have a feeling that things are about to pick up.

The new title I have chosen for this blog, "A New Life's Beginning," refers not only to my baby's new life, but also to my new life as a mother. So exciting!

NT scan and first ultrasound pics!

Yep, I had my NT scan today (ultrasound to screen for Down's syndrome) and everything looks great! The NT measurement was perfectly normal, at 1.2 mm, and the heart was racing away at 177 bpm! If you subscribe to certain gender prediction myths, you'd swear this baby is a girl.

I learned that I have an anterior placenta. According to the doctor, this means the baby's movements will be muffled and less distinct than they otherwise might have been. This makes me a bit sad, although ladies on the Nest have reassured me that they still felt plenty. I hope so!

The only bad part about today was the bloodwork. They did the initial bloodwork for my OB at the same time as the NT stuff, and together they required 10 vials! My poor vein stopped producing partway through, and the tech kept pushing my wrist down to further straighten my arm and pressing my skin around the needle to squeeze out a few more drops. It seemed to go on forever.

And... I finally got ultrasound pics! Here they are. Keep in mind that these are photos of printouts, so not the best quality. Also, apparently my bladder wasn't as full as it should have been, so the images weren't the best to begin with. Oh well. I can still see my baby!

First OB appointment

It was a good appointment! But first there was the wait. Our appointment was at 11:30 and, after some Jennifer confusion — there were three Jennifers in the tiny waiting room at the same time — we didn't get in to see the doctor until 12:45. Is this normal? Cuz it rather sucked. But I digress.

The doctor is lovely, really very nice. She asked the usual questions about medical and family history, explained her practice, took my blood pressure and weighed me, and finally got to the good stuff. She said she wanted to try to hear the heartbeat. She warned us that at 12 weeks it could be a bit early to be able to detect it with the doppler, and she wouldn't even try it if she didn't have the ultrasound machine there as a backup. Well, sure enough, she couldn't find it, so we had a quick abdominal ultrasound. The image wasn't very clear, because my bladder wasn't full, but we were still able to make out our little baby kicking around. I couldn't see its heartbeat, but the doctor assured us it was there and that everything was good. Keith thinks the baby looked like a turtle on its back. Nice!

I have decided to go ahead and do the NT scan (nuchal translucency; a test for Down's syndrome), so I will be having another ultrasound sometime in the next two weeks. I hope I will be able to get some great pics then!

Telling the Family

This weekend Keith and I drove to my hometown (in a rented Toyota Matrix — nice!) to visit my family with the intention of sharing our news. I was feeling weird about it, kinda wishing we could have waited until after my first OB appointment, but I also really wanted to tell them in person, so this weekend was it. I didn't want to just blurt out the news. My original ideas all involved an ultrasound picture, but alas we didn't get one, so I came up with this:














Last weekend at Thanksgiving, I dragged Keith outside to pose and made his brother take pictures of us. This was my favourite. I added the text and printed up a few copies, along with about 100 other family pictures. The idea was that I would casually say, "Wanna look at some pictures?" and hand over a pile, with this one stuck somewhere in the middle. My mom got it. Surprisingly, my grandma also got it, only because she immediately saw the word "baby" at the bottom. Almost everyone else was confused, looking for someone hiding in the bushes. I didn't think it was that subtle! LOL (Oh, I should add that when I printed them, the due date line got cut off. But still!)

Anyway, it was fun. Everyone was thrilled for us. Apparently my grandpa had said just the other day, when talking about having dinner with us on the weekend, "Wouldn't it be great if Jenny told us she's pregnant?" Hmm, maybe he's a little psychic! Or maybe he has some sort of intuition, because I was pregnant last time I saw him — just not ready to share yet.

Big symptom of the week: FATIGUE! I'm so sleepy. In fact, I think I'm going to have a half-hour nap right now before House starts.

First OB appointment in six days!

Thankful

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and this year especially I have so much to be thankful for. I know I tend to focus on the negatives in life, and I don't see that changing, but the least I can do is take a moment to write a nice thankful blog post to acknowledge all the good things. So here goes.

#1: Obviously I am so very thankful to be pregnant. After Thanksgiving dinner last year, I snuck into the bathroom with my drug paraphernalia to secretly administer my Gonal-f shot during my first IUI cycle. I can't believe that this year I am nearly ten weeks pregnant. I am incredibly grateful that we didn't have to go any further along the treatment path — that we were spared further heartache and expense — and that we managed to conceive on our own after so many months. It's the most amazing gift and I am very aware of how lucky I am.

#2: I am blessed with a wonderful husband. He's been taking such good care of me since I've been pregnant — and always, really, but especially now. He's been making dinner and doing more than his fair share of the housework. He is my rock and my voice of reason.

#3: My family is great. They're going to be so excited for me when I tell them my news next weekend. :)

#4: My few good friends. I need to make a greater effort to see them more often.

#5: My new job, though very boring, is stress-free and located a lovely forty-minute walk away from my apartment. The work conditions are a vast improvement over my previous job. This is a good thing.

All in all, I guess life is pretty good. Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Canadians.

Logistics

Here's the thing. We live in a one-bedroom apartment and get around by public transit. Obviously we're going to have to move, but to where? How? When?

Option 1: My dream, as I've stated here before, is to move back to my hometown (a two-hour drive away) where we could actually afford to buy a decent house. I want to do this about two months after giving birth, if at all possible. In fact, I'm going to be pretty upset if it can't happen. But there are obstacles...

Option 2: Buy a two-bedroom condo somewhere, at the top end of what we could possibly afford — probably in the metro region and not in the city itself, which means a longer commute, higher transportation costs (whether for gas, public transit, or both), and being more isolated from everything. Oh, and I should mention that even if we had a car, Keith doesn't have a driver's licence. I've been nagging him to get one, but no move in that direction yet.

Option 3: Move into a two-bedroom apartment in our current area and continue to rent. Sigh. I guess this would work out okay, but we both really want to own a home, and we do have some savings that could be a downpayment. Considering the sad state of our RRSPs, I'd say owning a home will be a very important part of our financial well-being in retirement. Also, one of my biggest objections to living here is the isolation and loneliness I feel. My friends and family all live elsewhere. Keith's friends and family are all here, but we don't see his friends often and he's not as close to his family as I am to mine.

The aforementioned obstacle to achieving my much preferred option is, of course, the employment situation. I don't care about my job. I will gladly get a new one after my maternity/parental benefits expire, or I will try to earn enough as a freelance editor to get us by. Keith, however, likes his job and makes enough money that he is loath to leave it. He will be asking to work from home full-time, or at least three days a week, so that we can finally escape from the city. If his employer says no, well, I don't know what we'll do.

The uncertainty is more than a little unsettling. I know things will work themselves out somehow, but I just wish I knew how and when.

Not a Disease

Dr. L's parting words to me were, "Remember that pregnancy is not a disease. Try to enjoy it!" I'm not really sure how to enjoy it right now. I'm sure that later, once everyone knows, and once I can feel the baby move, etc., I'll enjoy it, but for now, I'm just anxious and a little bit sickly.

I feel like I'm hunkering down to endure the wait. Thank god for my wonderful husband, who has been making dinner and doing enough cleaning to get us by, because these days I'm not doing much more than curling up in a blanket in front of the TV or computer. (It has been so damn cold in our apartment lately. Turn on the heat, already!)

I worry that I'm not eating well enough — not getting enough veggies, of course, but looking at the well-balanced diet outlined in my pregnancy book, I'm not sure I'm eating enough of anything. I'm trying, and I promise to try harder, but I'm sure I won't ever meet all of the recommendations in any one day, and I can only hope I'm not doing my baby irreparable harm with my crappy diet.

My first OB appointment is on October 27, when I will be exactly 12 weeks pregnant. Is that a little late? I'm going to call and ask about the NT scan, which I believe needs to be done by 13 weeks.

Update: My OB (well, my OB's receptionist) says 12 weeks is perfect and we will be able to schedule the NT scan in time. Apparently we're going to have an ultrasound at that first appointment. Yay!

Proof of Life

I finally had my first ultrasound yesterday and it was amazing! We saw the baby and its tiny flickering heartbeat, and suddenly it all seemed so much more real to us. We have proof of life!

I was a little disappointed with the u/s itself, though, because I couldn't see the screen. The tech slid the wand around on my belly for a bit and then said, "There's the embryo." Of course I tried to sit up to see! But she said, "No, no, I'll show you later." She did, but only for a few seconds, and I'm not sure I saw anything when she pointed and said, "There's the heartbeat." I'm glad Keith was there to witness the whole thing. He said the heartbeat was much more obvious at other times. Also, we didn't get a printout. Sad.

After the u/s we went out for breakfast to kill a couple of hours before our appointment with Dr. L to go over the results. He said everything looks really good. The baby is measuring 7w3d, which is exactly where it was supposed to be, and the heartbeat was 160 bpm. He asked where I wanted to deliver, then told me the name of the ob he's referring me to, and that was about it. So weird. That chapter of my life is over — if this pregnancy progresses as it should I probably won't ever see him or his office again. They asked me to send a picture when the baby is born.

We hadn't planned on telling anyone until Thanksgiving (October 13 here in Canada), when I will be 10 weeks pregnant, but we ended up telling Keith's parents yesterday, and the news has spread quickly from there. I still plan to wait until the weekend after Thanksgiving to tell my family, because they live out of town and I want to tell them in person. I'm sure my mom already suspects after my visit last weekend, but that's another story!

Weekend

First things first — I'm seven weeks pregnant today! And my ultrasound is just 2.5 days away! Woohoo!

This weekend I went to a three-year-old's birthday party. My adorable niece (my stepsister's child) was in every way the Birthday Princess. She kept telling people, "Today is my special day." I think her big brother, as seen in the picture below, was a little bit put out that he wasn't the centre of attention.



They're both so cute, so precious. And they came into this world after their mother struggled with infertility for five years. I won't go into details, because it's not my story to tell, but they are an inspiration to me.

We are not yet telling people about my pregnancy. So far we've told only a couple of close friends. But this weekend I broke down and told my stepsister. Here's why:

At my dad's house after the birthday party, one of his drunken neighbours was going on and on about how I have to give my dad some grandkids. I said he already has some, referring to my stepsisters' kids, and she said, "Oh, it's not the same. It's different when it's blood. Just wait and see." Then she called my dad over and said, "What would you say if your daughter told you she was pregnant right now?" He said something smartassy first, but then he put his arm around me and said he'd be thrilled, of course. It was a surreal moment. I extricated myself and ran into my stepsister coming down the path towards me. I grabbed her arm and babbled a bit, while she looked at me like I was nuts, and then I finally blurted it out: "Can you keep a secret? I'm pregnant!" I was just dying to say it. She has promised to keep my secret until I'm ready to tell.

Mondays

I now have a reason to look forward to Mondays: it's ticker change day, and I get my "My Pregnancy This Week" email from BabyCenter! I'm finding this incredibly exciting. I'm six weeks pregnant today and still feeling good about it. There's a nagging little voice in my head saying, "Careful! Don't get too attached!" But it's too late for caution, and I can only enjoy the moment and hope it doesn't end too soon.

What else? Oh, I made vegetable chili for dinner last night in an attempt to increase my veggie intake, which is generally lacking. Things at work have been a bit better, so time hasn't been dragging quite as much as it was, which definitely helps my mood.

Ultrasound countdown: 10 days to go!

Found My Zen

With 23 days between beta and first ultrasound, I've had lots of time to work up a good level of anxiety. I'm still not quite as far along as I was when I started bleeding last time, so there's that fear, and then there's the worse fear that I could make it as far as my ultrasound only to discover a blighted ovum or some other problem. Time has been crawling by. I so badly want this baby to make it!

I'm not sure what, if anything, is different, but today I woke up feeling peaceful and positive. I have found my zen and hope I can hang onto it for another 12 days, until I can see for myself that everything's okay. I'm so excited to see the tiny flickering heartbeat of MY BABY.

Happy weekend, everyone. :)

Amazing!

From my five-week BabyCenter email: "Already her vital organs, including the heart, kidneys, and liver, are in place and growing." And facial features are already forming. This blows my mind. Just... unbelievable. Grow, baby, grow!

Five Weeks

It seems like ages since I got my first faint positive, but it was really only nine days ago. And my beta was only a week ago. And not much has happened since then.

Symptoms: lots of cramping, occasional breast tenderness, possible slight nausea, possible slight fatigue.

The recurring running commentary in my head goes something like this: baby baby happy baby i'm going to have a baby a healthy baby it's all good baby baby happy baby. This, of course, is meant to soothe the anxiety that sometimes pushes through.

Still 17 days until my first ultrasound...

Willing Suspension of Disbelief

I'm happy, of course, but I'm not as over-the-moon joyful as I think I should be. The truth is that I'm skeptical. Skeptical and scared. After all these months, is this really it? Will this be my healthy baby? I've heard so many sad stories — including stories that started with a good strong beta, I might add — and I had a chemical pregnancy myself just a few months ago. Why should I believe that this will turn out differently? I've never been a superstitious person, and always rolled my eyes at the thought of jinxes, but at this moment I am afraid that believing in it too much just might be tempting fate to take it away.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pretend my life is a work of fiction, and the plot has just taken a weird and wonderful turn. I'm still enjoying the story, very much so, but if I think about it too much I could easily pull apart the plot and expose its holes. Instead, I've made a conscious decision not to ruin it. I've willingly suspended my disbelief.

My first ultrasound is on September 25. It can't come soon enough!

Happiness

I'm pregnant! My beta at 14DPO is 162, a good, solid number. Dr. L says it's good enough that we don't need to do repeat betas, which is probably a good thing. One less thing to obsess over. I can be confident, for now, that I am indeed pregnant. I will have my first ultrasound in about two weeks. Can't wait!

So far, my only symptoms are those cramps that are not quite AF cramps and also unusual tiredness.

An elephant's gestation lasts about 22 months. That's how long it took me to get pregnant. I am grateful, then, that human gestation is just nine months.

Teaser

My beta is tomorrow, and I think I have reason to be excited... Look for more news tomorrow!

A Ramble on Reading and Writing

When I was a kid I read voraciously, and my mom would complain, as she dutifully took me to the bookstore to buy yet another Sweet Valley High or Nancy Drew novel, that I read too fast. Did I even absorb anything I'd read?

After stops at Stephen King and Harlequin, I was strongly influenced by my Grade 10 English teacher, Mr. French, who gave us a list of authors for "mature reading" that mostly included the Canadian literary giants — the Margaret Atwoods and Margaret Laurences and Timothy Findleys. Since I wanted to be a Mature Reader, I dutifully read almost exclusively from that list for the next several years. (For those who don't know, Canadian literature is notoriously depressing, all wilderness and loneliness.)

And then, in 2002, I got a job as a copy editor at a medium-sized trade book publisher, and suddenly I couldn't stomach reading for pleasure anything heavier than chick lit. I started choosing books for their cute, sassy covers, and my favourite authors became Marian Keyes and Jennifer Weiner. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. If I ever write that novel I dreamed of writing when I was a teenager, I would want it to be like theirs.

Yeah, I wanted to be a writer, once upon a time. I originally chose journalism as a career because I figured it was a practical way to make a living through writing. Ultimately I realized I would be a terrible journalist, but in the process I did discover copyediting. You know what they say: those who can't write, edit.

Which sort of brings me to the point of this post. I started blogging probably for the same reasons anyone does — because I like to write and I wanted to record and share my thoughts and experiences. But I'm fully aware that this isn't riveting material. And I can't help but compare my blog to some of the truly amazing ones out there. I'd particularly like to highlight two that I admire: Between the Lines, which is written by Amber (aka somethingchangd); and Square Peg, Round Whole, written by Elizabeth (aka epphd).

They are both fantastic, incredibly articulate writers whose posts are thoughtful, insightful, poignant, funny, clever, and metaphorical, even — I could go on and on with the adjectives. Elizabeth, who is on a long TTC break, doesn't post often, but each post is a revelation. Amber, who is beginning her second IVF, bowls me over once or twice a week.

They are both well-known and well-loved Nesties, and hardly need my endorsement, but here it is anyway. If you haven't seen their blogs, you must check them out. (And Elizabeth and Amber, I hope you don't mind this post. Please let me know if I've crossed some line; I'm clueless when it comes to blogger etiquette.)

Reader Participation Day

Enough about me, I want to hear about you! And I know you're out there; I have a blog tracker thingy. So, I declare today (and the next few days until I post again) Reader Participation Day! If you're reading this, whether you're a regular reader or a first-time visitor, please answer the following poll in the comments section. Pleeease? It'll be fun! (If you think any of the questions are too personal, just skip it and answer the rest.)

1. Do you know me? If so, how?
2. Are you a Nestie?
3. Are you TTC? If so, tell me about it.
4. Do you have any children?
5. Where do you live?
6. What do you do for a living? Do you like it?
7. Do you have any comments about or suggestions for this blog?

Thank you for participating in Reader Participation Day! Please visit again soon. :)

The Honeymoon Is Over

Don't worry, my marriage is fine; I'm referring to my new job. Just 2.5 months in, I'm realizing that I'm not going to be happy there. At first I was simply relieved to have left my old job, and then I was overwhelmed with learning new stuff, and briefly I was even enjoying using my new knowledge... but now it's just tedious and the days are dragging by so slowly. Especially since my boss reassigned the one product that was different — the one I actually enjoyed working on — saying that she was evening out workload. (Even though she said it wasn't meant to be a criticism, a part of me definitely took it as one.)

So, here I am, thirty years old, with no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no idea what kind of job I would actually enjoy. I feel like I'm not particularly good at anything, and I have few interests. I'm looking towards the next thirty-five years of my working life with confusion and dread.

In TTC news, I had my 7DPO bloodwork today, which confirmed ovulation. I'm supposed to go in for a beta on Tuesday if I don't have my period yet. I might call back and change that to later in the week; Tuesday is really the earliest I think AF might show.

Oh yeah, I asked Dr. L why he didn't trigger me, and he explained that even though my follicle was 20mm+ a few days before o, my estrogen wasn't high enough to indicate that it was mature. He assured me it was a fine follicle, not too big, not too old, and that I have a good chance this cycle.

Hey, do you think sharp stomach pains and weird cramping could be a symptom of implantation? Nah, me neither.

(P.S. Thanks so much to those who commented on my hair poll last week. I'm a little embarrassed of it, though, and so tonight I deleted it. I ended up getting side bangs, but I can't figure out how to style them to make them look like bangs. The stylist insisted on lots of layering and a "V" at the back. The result? Doesn't look a whole lot different than before. Sigh.)

Attack of the Monster Follicle

All my worry about timing was for naught. Would you believe I still haven't ovulated? I have one monster follicle in there. But why is it still in there? Here's a recap:

CD11: no follicles, lining at 3mm
CD14: follicle at 13mm, lining at 5mm
CD17: follicle at 20x14x13mm,* lining at 8mm
CD18: follicle at 21x16x15mm, lining at 9mm
CD19: follicle at 21x18x20mm, lining at 10mm
CD21: follicle at 25x23x20mm, lining at 11mm

So here's my new worry (because I must always worry about something). Am I overcooking it? I feel like it was big enough to go two or three days ago.** I've never seen anything bigger than 21 via ultrasound before, so 25 seems huge to me! Will it be stale and overripe by the time it releases? I've read that quality of both follicle and lining deteriorate after CD21.

Anyway. I'm done with monitoring for this cycle. (Yesterday when I got home from OOT, just for fun, I POAOPK for the first time on one of the 50 Internet cheapies I bought and got an almost-positive. Exciting stuff!) I should finally ovulate today or tomorrow.

* All three measurements refer to one follicle. The u/s tech gives me three measurements for follicles over a certain size, so I get a 3D effect. On CD17, for example, I commented that my follicle was weirdly oblong, and I was assured that shape doesn't matter.

** EDIT in response to comments: I don't know why we didn't trigger. It was a natural cycle and I guess Dr. L figured it would happen in its own time. Interestingly, though, I looked back through my notes and was reminded that he wrote me a prescription for a trigger I didn't end up needing back in November when we discovered by chance that I was about to ovulate on my own, so he's not opposed to triggering on a natural cycle. I guess he just wasn't concerned. If this happens next cycle I will definitely suggest triggering.

Looks Good but the Timing Sucks

This morning my lining was 9mm, and my follicle was 21 by 15 by 16. I thought for sure I'd be surging, but apparently not. When I got the call from my RE's office, the instructions were simply to come in for monitoring again tomorrow. Bummer. If my LH had been surging I would have been told to have intercourse tonight.

So, I'm expecting that tomorrow, while I'm on a Greyhound headed out of town, without Keith, I will get the call from my RE's office telling me to have intercourse that night. The one night in the entire month — heck, the one night in many months — that we won't be together.

We're going to have intercourse late tonight and then again when I get home on Sunday evening and hope that covers the weekend. It'll be good enough, right?

*crossing my fingers*

Here's a picture from last weekend at my friend's cottage:

Natural Cycle #1

Well, natural cycle #1 is progressing just fine. CD11 monitoring showed lining at 3mm and no follicles. CD14 monitoring (Monday) showed lining at 5mm and one follicle at 13mm. I should ovulate on Friday or Saturday, which is on pace to match my early ovulation record set last cycle. Can I really count on my ovaries to perform every cycle? Oh, wondrous thought. Maybe I won't bother with monitoring next cycle. Maybe I'll rely on temps and OPKs like a normal person.

I'm trying to figure out how I feel about these natural cycles. I'm really neither optimistic nor pessimistic. Apparently I'm indifferent. I think I'll probably just shrug if I get a BFN this month. I guess I'm just patiently waiting out these natural cycles my RE so highly recommends.

Hmm, that sounded a little like pessimism, didn't it?

Cats and Dogs

Wherever I go, I take pictures of the resident beasts. Since I don't have much to talk about, here's some pictures. (They're all small in terms of file size, so I hope they don't cause download problems for anyone.) Enjoy!

Ugh!

My period arrived today. Two days early. And some wicked lower back cramps came along with it. I've been miserable all day. Who ever thought I'd be sharing this kind of info with the Internet world? :p

This early arrival makes the monitoring we had planned slightly more tricky. If AF had been on time it would have fit into my work schedule and travel plans much better. Oh well. When is this ever easy, right?

Colour Me Green...

...for I am guilty of a great deal of jealousy. In addition to serious baby envy (see below), I also have serious house envy. I'm so sick of renting crappy apartments! I want to put down roots and make a home my own. (I also believe in the importance of home equity as an investment in our future.)

Why don't we have one? We simply can't afford one. Not here in the big city. We really can't even afford a decent condo. How sad is that? We both work full-time with great credit and okay salaries, but we can't afford a home. There are still a few areas within commuting distance that we could afford, but then factor in the cost of transportation, especially with the high cost of gas these days, and it starts to slip out of our reach again. Not to mention I really don't want to spend three plus hours a day travelling to and from the office.

The good side of this, I guess, is that we're able to save money. We live relatively cheaply, with our rent and our bus passes, and I think maybe if we owned a home we'd have a much harder time affording fertility treatments.

The Doctor Returneth

Dr. L has finally returned from his five-week vacation. My appointment on Thursday was basically what I expected. He repeated his recommendation that we try on our own for a while but ultimately left it up to me. Since impatience doesn't seem like a good enough reason to demand medication, I reluctantly agreed but expressed my concern about my irregular ovulation. I'm still not used to ovulating on my own, you see, and don't trust it. The thing I want to avoid most of all is a super-long anovulatory cycle. So, he said we could monitor me during the natural cycles if that would make me feel better. It would. I'll go in for bloodwork on CD3 and bloodwork and ultrasound on CD12 (and then every couple of days until I ovulate).

Oh, he seemed to find my confession about accidentally having sex on O-Day to be pretty amusing. He also told me I gave him a few grey hairs during my little hCG drama — how nice that he actually seems to care. I guess he's a pretty good guy.

In conclusion, until I feel the desperate need to stick needles in my belly again, it's au naturel for us. I'm thinking three cycles will be my limit.

Keith, of course, continues to leave all decision-making to do with the baby-making to me. Is this the typical attitude for TTC DHs?

Serious Baby Envy

This is my cousin's beautiful, sweet baby girl. Every time I see her I experience serious baby envy. Whycantshebemine? (My cousin, by the way, was 18 when she gave birth, and is unemployed and unmarried. Not that I'm bitter. To her credit, she seems to be a good mommy.) I spent some time with the baby this past weekend and just fell in love with her. She's so smiley and content. Awww.

But seriously. About 90 percent of the time I am not bitter. I have so far avoided most of the emotional pitfalls of infertility. I have my share of weepy hormonal days to be sure, and sometimes I stare longingly at strangers' baby bellies in public, but overall... 21 months in I'm doing all right. (Ask me again in a few months when we hit two years!)

Oh, about this picture. I took it with my fancy new Canon PowerShot G9, which is in the prosumer class of digital cameras, meaning it has lots of manual features. About 10 years ago I knew how to use them. Now, not so much. It's back to basics for me. I have found my new pastime. This particular picture was done using the very cool colour accent feature. I set it to blue, hoping to pick up the blue of her eyes, but I think the light was too dim so it just got the sheets she's lying on. I'll share more when I have some good ones.

Oops!

So much for my textbook cycle. Fertility Friend adjusted my ovulation date to CD19. That's still the earliest I've ever ovulated on my own, so I'm still pretty happy about it.

As I mentioned before, I was avoiding this cycle, in the wake of my prolonged hCG drama, per substitute doc's instructions. Well, after FF gave me solid crosshairs instead of my usual dashed crosshairs (dashed means it can't be really sure, either because you didn't provide enough info or because the info was wonky) on CD14, I figured my fertile time was over, and so we just happened to have unprotected intercourse on the very day I apparently ovulated. Oops!

I can't wait to explain the situation to Dr. L during my appointment next week: Well, yes, I was avoiding, except for the day I ovulated...

So, I'm 4DPO, and I guess I'm in the two-week wait. Haven't been there in months. Imagine, if I get pregnant this cycle I can say I had an oops baby. LOL

Amazing!

Fertility Friend seems to be pretty sure, based on temps and CM, that I ovulated on Thursday. On CD14! Holy cow, am I fixed?? I guess I have no reason to argue about trying on our own for a few cycles now. Apparently laparoscopy was the only treatment I really needed. And maybe metformin too. I'm so excited!

Here's my chart.

A Cup of Tea

After my m/c at the end of May I decided that I needed to get serious about trying to improve my diet. Specifically, I wanted to eliminate red meat and dairy, and reduce sugar and caffeine. Well, I haven't managed to eliminate anything, but I've significantly reduced both dairy and red meat, and I've made efforts to increase my vegetable intake. This past week I've indulged way too much in chocolate — but well worth it, I say. What's life without chocolate?

Besides chocolate, my biggest regular indulgence is plain old orange pekoe tea. I drink one cup each day, sometimes two, which I don't think is too bad, but then again nothing about it is good. That little mug contains three things I'm supposed to be avoiding: caffeine, sugar, and dairy. I used to use Splenda, but Dr. L was appalled when he heard that. I tried using a non-dairy replacement — almond milk, which I now use in cereal — but it tasted terrible. So milk and sugar it is.

Tea is a definitely a comfort thing for me. My mom and I lived with my grandparents for most of my childhood, and tea was very much a part of that life. My grandma always has a cup of tea nearby. I hardly remember her drinking anything else, ever!

Upset? Feeling ill? Have a cup of tea and you'll feel better, I promise. :)

See this post for more evidence of how much I looove tea.

Ugh

I've been feeling sick to my stomach for days and it just now occurred to me that maybe it's because I started taking metformin again this cycle. (I stopped taking it before my lap on doctor's orders and didn't bother taking it during the whole hCG fiasco, so in all I was off it for about three months.)

I don't recall feeling this way when I started taking it the first time, but I guess things could be different now. I mean, back then I didn't ovulate on my own either, and now apparently I do... or maybe that's the metformin too? Who the hell knows. I don't know. My doctor doesn't know.

Are any of my readers on metformin? Do you remember how you felt when you first started taking it?

Musings

Do you ever wonder WHY?

Why, oh why, is it so important to me that I procreate? Are my genes really so awesome that I need to pass them on? Life would be simpler if I didn't want kids or, better, if I didn't mind either way. But I do want a baby so very much. WHY? Is it merely a biological drive? A result of social conditioning (you get married and then you have kids; it's just what you do)? I'm sure both of these things play a role, but there must be more, right?

We're talking about an urge so strong that it has obsessed me, on a daily basis, for well over a year now. It is so powerful that it drives us to spend thousands of dollars and go through various painful and time-consuming procedures and to keep on going like the Energizer bunny despite repeated disappointments. WHY?

Here's something: I can imagine our future without children, and let me tell you — it's boring! I guess a nicer way to say this is that I feel unfulfilled. There's a voice in my head saying, "There must be more to life than this." I imagine having a child will fill this giant void and complete me in a way nothing else ever can.

Is this reason good enough? Is it selfish? Does it even matter? Whatever the reason, I know I will keep on going for a long time yet. I will keep on hoping and praying (in my own way) until I have a baby in my arms.

Happy Canada Day!

I know the date says June 30, but in my world it's 12:19 a.m. on July 1, which is Canada Day! I’m having a very nice extra-long long weekend. A lot of folks had to work on Monday and got Tuesday off, which is sorta sad. Well, my new company assigns two floater holidays every year, and one of them was June 30, meaning I had a beautiful four-day weekend. Woohoo! Keith had a five-day weekend but he had to use two of his vacation days to get it.

It’s still strange to me not to take work home every weekend. Even when I didn’t actually do the work I brought home, it hung over my head and made me feel guilty and stressed. I feel like this must be some sort of hiatus and soon the work will start piling up again. But my new job isn’t like that and never will be — I’m free and it’s wonderful! I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my new-found free time. I don’t really have any hobbies, but a few general interests that could possibly become more hobby-like in the near future are cooking, photography, and knitting. We’ll see.

So, what have I been up to this holiday weekend? We’ve watched lots of movies (rented Fool’s Gold, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Definitely, Maybe, and P.S. I Love You and went to the theatre to see WALL-E) and gone out to eat a few times. Today we hung out with my cousin for a bit. (I've mentioned her before. She’s 22 and slept on our dining room floor for a couple of months until she got her own place. She doesn’t know anyone else in the city, so I’m going to have to make sure to check up on her regularly.) Anyway, it's been nice.

If you’re wondering about the results of beta #12 from last week, well, so am I! I didn’t get the results and I don't know if any future betas will be required. Substitute doc didn’t call me and I couldn’t reach her because her secretary’s on holidays and nobody’s going to be checking voicemail until July 2. I wonder if she even got the results. Maybe they went to Dr. L’s office by mistake.

AF showed up on Thursday and I’m just assuming everything’s okay. I’ve started temping again and plan to OPK this cycle (for the first time ever, by the way) even though we’ve been instructed to avoid again. I want to know if and when I ovulate so I can discuss my options with Dr. L when he gets back from his vacation at the end of July. He wants us to try on our own for three cycles, but I’m not so sure I like that idea, what with my long, irregular cycles. The removal of the endo won’t have fixed that.

A Conversation

Today I had beta #12. (Yep, 12. I'm getting some kind of perverse pleasure from counting them.) Substitute doc insisted I had to get it done at the hospital where she works, which is downtown, rather than at a more convenient lab in the north end, where I live and now also work. The hospital lab doesn't open until 8:30, so since I didn't want to be late for work after only five days on the job, I decided to go after work. It was yet another stupid, time-wasting inconvenience. I arrived home 1.5 hours late — hungry, tired, and grumpy.

Me: I'm so sick of all this.
Keith: 'kay...
Me: 'kay? That's all you have to say?
Keith: Well, what do you want me to say? I can't tell you not to go; you have to go.
Me: How about, 'You're right, honey, it does suck. I'm sorry you have to go through this.'
Keith: Okay, what you said.
Me: You suck.

Adjusting

I'm not sure yet how I feel about my new job. There's definitely a part of my brain crying "What have I done?" I assume this is normal and that once I settle in and actually know what I'm doing and how to do it I'll be okay. I'm also feeling lonely. It seems I relied on work for a good part of my social interaction and I'm missing it badly.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty down. I need to find some new hobbies and interests. I need to get a life. There are some pretty pathetic things going through my head that I can't quite bring myself to record here on the Internet, so I think I'd better sign off for now. Peace out.

Beta Still Dropping

It wasn't a fluke! It was 25.9 today, down from 38.2 on Monday. I'm so relieved.

Shopping Spree!

My New Spring/Summer Wardobe

I thought it was time for a fun post. Here, in all its glory, is my new spring/summer wardrobe: one dress, one pair of pants, three T-shirts, six dressier shirts, two jackets, one short sweater to wear over the dress (centre) and over the aqua tank top (bottom right). I can't believe I bought all this stuff! And I'm likely to buy more! (Oh, I didn't include my new bra, but you didn't need to see that anyway.)

I feel like I've sorely neglected my lower half, but that's so much harder than tops. There's just no way to satisfy my desire to disguise my belly, hips, and thighs. I always have Stacy and Clinton of What Not To Wear giving running commentary in my head and nothing I try on meets their high standards of fit — or mine, I guess.

Substitute Doc

The substitute doc is probably the sweetest medical professional I have ever met. Seriously, her sympathy almost brought tears to my eyes. She just wanted to meet me and familiarize herself with my situation and reassure me that she will be watching me closely until my beta reaches zero. Next beta is Thursday. She says she thinks I'm right, that the bleed after I finish the BCP next week will clear out whatever was causing the hCG.

Hmm, see, writing this blog helps me think things out and come up with new questions. If my hCG drops low enough in the next couple of days to cause me to bleed, will I bleed a second time next week when I finish the BCP? Should I stop taking the BCP if I start bleeding before I finish the pack? Does it matter? Is this something I should call the substitute doc about (if it happens)?

When not hanging out at various medical facilities, I spent the last two days, my precious days off in between jobs, shopping. I purchased three T-shirts, three fancier office-appropriate shirts, a jacket, and a bra. And I bought six other items over the past month or so. This is probably the biggest shopping spree I have been on in my life! And I may still buy more. I was reluctant at first, because I am (as ever) trying to lose weight, but in the meantime I do still need to wear clothes. I felt like I had NO summer clothes that fit me and that I liked — not even casual stuff. Now I have maybe half of a decent summer wardrobe.

Today I also treated myself to brunch at a place I've been eying for months. It was awesome! I had french toast and crepes covered in a mountain of fruit and served with English cream. Oh, and a strawberry banana smoothie. So freaking good! I'm going to have to drag Keith back there soon.

In case you're wondering, I did not manage to settle on a spa treatment in time. I'll save it for later. Maybe my birthday?

I'm nervous about starting my new job tomorrow. You know, What if it's too hard? What if I screw up? What if nobody talks to me? What if toilet paper gets stuck to my shoe? What if I'm having a bad hair day? Wish me luck!

Fingers Crossed...

Today's beta is 38, down from 51 on Friday! I hope this is the start of a trend and not just a fluke.

We'll see what substitute doc has to say tomorrow, but hopefully we can ride it out from now till zero. I'll be finishing the BCP in a week, and I think maybe the bleed that follows will clear out any leftover pg tissue. Or will the hCG have to be zero before I can bleed? I don't know how that works.

Finally Added a Blog Roll

All of these blogs belong to Nesties from the Trouble TTC board.

I wasn't sure about the etiquette of linking to other people's blogs. If I've linked to you and you'd rather I didn't, please let me know and I'll remove it immediately. If, on the other hand, I haven't linked to you and you'd like me to, please also let me know and I will do so.

If you look down the list and see some that are new to you, why not check out a new blog today?

Happy Long Weekend To Me!

My old, stressful, frequent-unpaid-overtime job is over and I'm so relieved! It was surreal handing in my key and leaving after my farewell party on Friday, knowing that I would never be back. Well, I suppose I'll probably be back for a visit at some point, but you know what I mean.

They gave me some amazingly generous parting gifts, including a $100 gift card for my favourite clothing store and a $100 gift card to a selection of spas! I've never been to a spa before. I was thinking it would be nice to go on Tuesday, the day before I start my new job, but what should I have done? Mani/pedi/facial? Massage? Body wrap? I'm overwhelmed by the choices. I was sort of interested in getting a haircut by the "creative director" for $55 (way more than I usually spend on hair), but my friend told me that was too practical and spas are not for being practical! What do you guys think? Any treatment recommendations?

Back to the lingering hCG drama. Friday's beta was 51, up from 40 on Monday. I rushed in to see Dr. L one last time before his vacation to go over my u/s results with him, but since there really wasn't anything to discuss, he mostly just told me about the colleague who will be taking care of me while he's away. I think he was already on vacation in his mind. He didn't mention the methotrexate shot. Apparently he's leaving the decision-making regarding resolving this little problem to his colleague.

I have beta #10 (!) tomorrow and then an appointment with the substitute doc on Tuesday. I'm sad that I have to get up early and go downtown on both my days off between jobs.

Useless Ultrasound #2

After a false start yesterday (no need to rehash the details, but the u/s clinic screwed up and had to reschedule me after I had been waiting, full bladder and all, for 45 minutes), I had Useless Ultrasound #2 this afternoon. It was a total replay of Useless Ultrasound #1, except the reception staff were super sweet to me and rushed me right in because of yesterday's screwup.

The tech (a nicer one this time) did the pelvic u/s, let me go pee, did the transvaginal part, then went to get the doc that Dr. L insisted must look at me himself. This is the same doc who looked at me last time. So, u/s doc repeats the transvag part. At one point he muttered to the tech about something on the right side, but then he turned to me and said everything looks great! And repeated the wisdom that usually nothing can be seen by u/s when the hCG is less than 1000. Okay, but Dr. L must know that, right? There must be a reason he keeps sending me here? Ugh.

U/s doc says there's nothing to do but wait for the hCG to get higher. I should come back when it's in the hundreds. Yeah, okay. I hate that guy.

I must get to Dr. L's office at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow to catch him before he dashes off to do his rounds. It's my last chance to talk to him before his month-long vacation. I'm half expecting him to recommend going ahead with the methotrexate shot. I suppose I'll go along with it. I just want this to be over.

Speaking of things being over, tomorrow is my last day at my soon-to-be-former job. I'm happy/sad/stressed. It's a half-day, because of summer hours (which my new job sadly doesn't do), and they're having a little farewell lunch for me. My good friend and soon-to-be-former coworker who is currently on maternity leave will be coming in to join the party and then hang out with me for a bit afterwards. She and her adorable chubby baby will take some of the spotlight pressure away from me. Goodbye parties really aren't my style. I'd rather leave silently in the night and send a nice farewell email later. LOL

... Or Not

Ahrrghhh! This game is getting old. My hCG was up "a bit" this morning. WHY? Dr. L is now talking about the methotrexate shot as our next step if it hasn't gone down by Friday. After this shot we will have to avoid for three months (or cycles, not sure which). I'm going to ask about other options when I talk to him on Friday, but it looks like this is a very real possibility.

Oh, and he wants to rush me off to another ultrasound. What does he think we'll see this time that couldn't be seen a week and a half ago?

My mood is yo-yoing with my betas. I was happy all weekend knowing that the BCP was working and this ordeal was almost over, and now I'm feeling blue. Grim, you might say. The prospect of losing the next three months/cycles — the most fertile time after the lap — is depressing.

Update: Today's beta was 40.4, up from 27.4 on Thursday.

Break Free!

Yay, finally some good news in the hCG department. This morning I had my umpteenth (okay, seventh) beta, and it was down to 27.4 (from 32 on Monday). So I guess the BCP is doing its job and suppressing whatever was generating the hCG, and I don't have to switch to "more aggressive" (danazol) or "most aggressive" (methotrexate). I am grateful. I have another beta (maybe the last?) on Monday.

Now that I can quit worrying, I have time to realize that being on BCP is like having 21 days of total freedom from all this TTC crap. Even though I was supposed to avoid this cycle, I was still planning to temp, and I even bought a whole mess of OPKs, just so I could keep track of what was going on in there. It was important for me to know if/when I ovulated.

Now, of course, I know that I won't ovulate! No temping, no OPKing, no hoping, and no worrying. Just a month of blissful freedom from and ignorance of the goings-on in my reproductive system. A true break at last.

You Want Me to Take What??

I had another beta on Monday to see if the lingering hCG was going away on its own. The stupid tech taking my blood said, "I hope it [the hCG] goes up and up!" Seriously. Look, lady, there's no baby. We need it to go away — not up!

I don't know what the number was, but the nurse left me a voicemail instructing me to start taking the birth control pills Dr. L prescribed me, so it couldn't have been good. I'm going in for yet another beta tomorrow, and if the hCG hasn't gone down he wants to switch to something more aggressive. I can't remember the name of the "more aggressive" drug, but it's a male hormone, it's primarily an endo suppressor, and I would take it for seven days. Crossing my fingers for dwindling hCG!

Boy, it's weird to be on BCP again.

Useless Ultrasound

This afternoon I had my pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound to look for "retained products of conception." Everything looked fine; there was nothing to see. Of course there was nothing to see! My hCG was 25 today (up from 21 on Monday), and apparently they don't expect to see anything via ultrasound until hCG is over 1,000! I don't understand why Dr. L was so keen on me having this ultrasound ASAP. It seems there's nothing to do but monitor the situation and wait for something to happen.

Now for some good news: I got the job! I start on June 18. Yay, I'm so excited! Giving notice will be hard, and the next two weeks will be hectic and awkward, but I'll get through it.

Now What?

I am done with being philosophical. Now I'm perturbed.

My bloodwork on Thursday showed that my hCG had gone down to 18. Okay, good. I started bleeding on Friday, and it was horrible, and it continued over the weekend. They checked my hCG again this morning — and it had gone up ever so slightly to 21. How is this even possible? Dr. L called me himself to tell me the news and to explain that he wants me to have an ultrasound (the full bladder kind) to make sure there's nothing in my tubes. I'm pretty sure my tubes are fine, and anyway, he said an hCG of 21 indicates about 30 or 40 cells. That's hardly anything — can't we just ignore them and hope they go away? :p

Assuming everything's fine and these mystery cells disappear, Dr. L thinks we should try on our own for three cycles, after avoiding for one cycle, to see if we can conceive naturally again. As much as I love the idea of conceiving naturally, my cycles are long — at least 37 days — and unreliable. If we follow his suggestion and we don't conceive, IUI #3 won't be until October or November or maybe even later! (My idea of a July IUI was never gonna happen anyway; he's on holidays from June 21 to July 21 and the office is completely closed for most of that time. Must be nice.)

Man, this sucks.

Being Philosophical

Tuesday was rough, as was Friday, when I actually started bleeding, but mostly I'm fine and I've been able to maintain a philosophical outlook. I know there are good reasons this pregnancy didn't work out: I ovulated so late in my cycle (around CD37) that the egg's quality might have been compromised, and I had surgery, including a D&C, just two weeks before conception, so I could very well have had lining issues.

And as my doctor said, and as I think many of us have said of first-time pregnancy loss, at least now I know I can get pregnant. It's true. After 18 months of trying, we finally have evidence that egg can meet sperm and sperm can fertilize egg. Under better circumstances we should be successful. And soon!

Since we conceived almost immediately after the endo was removed, I have to believe that the endo was a factor in our infertility, and so I feel the need to do my part to keep it at bay. Dr. L recommends the macrobiotic diet, but that's a little extreme for me to dive into wholesale, so I'm going to start by eliminating dairy and red meat and limiting caffeine and sugar. Wish me luck!

Oh, and Dr. L wants us to avoid next cycle, because he says there's a higher rate of miscarriage the cycle right after a miscarriage. No IUI for me until July.

It's Over

My beta did not go up, so I guess this is a chemical pregnancy. Crap. Crap, crap crap! Sad. Back to the drawing board. Or, I should say, back to the needles and stirrups. I should have known that a break cycle BFP was too good to be true.

Vedge

Right at this moment I am drinking something called Vedge. It's disgusting, but I need the extra vegetables. If this doesn't prove how excited I am to be pregnant, I don't know what will.

Two more days till beta #2. Please let this tiny spark of life continue to grow.

In Other News...

Remember the job interview? Apparently I did "very well" on the tests and they want me to come in for a second interview next week. Of course, I am now grappling anew with the ethics of the situation — much worse now that I would be accepting a job knowing that I'm pregnant and won't be staying for long.

So far the advice I have gotten is unanimously that I should do what's best for me. This kind of thing happens all the time, and the company doesn't need me to look out for its interests. Yeah, but...

Obviously it's premature to worry about accepting an offer I haven't yet received. For now I have decided only to go ahead and do the interview.

Surprising Hubby with the News

I had the pleasure of surprising Keith with the news on our anniversary! Since I already had an appointment with Dr. L scheduled for Thursday, our anniversary, I decided to keep the news to myself after my initial BFP on Tuesday. It was torture, but for 2.5 days I managed to hold it in.

On Thursday, we met after work at a restaurant called Milestones (how appropriate!) that overlooks the place we got married and did our post-ceremony pictures. He asked about the appointment with Dr. L but I was awkwardly evasive about our "next steps." After we ordered our meals, I handed him a gift bag. He looked dismayed, because we don't usually exchange gifts on our anniversary, but I told him it was just something small and to go ahead and open it.

It took him a while to get through all the tissue paper, but eventually he found a bib that says "I love my daddy." He looked up and said, "We're going to have a baby?" I nodded, with a big goofy smile on my face, and filled him in on the details.

I told him that I was feeling anxious about the low beta, but he refused to worry about that, and we spent the rest of the evening chatting about when to tell people, baby names, and other such happy things.

Although there was no big reaction, it was still a wonderful moment. Keith was a little put out that I'd kept it from him for so long, but he understood why I did it and agreed that it was a great surprise. :)

I'm Pregnant!

Yes, that's right, I'm going to have a baby! I finally conceived on the unlikeliest of cycles. To recap: I had my laparoscopy on CD22 and ovulated sometime around CD37. I got my first positive HPT on CD56 (Tuesday).

On Thursday I had a beta (blood test), and the number came back at 81.4. This is definitely on the low side, considering that I was at least 19DPO, but the nurse assured me that it was normal. I will be going in for beta #2 on Tuesday. The number should double every 48 to 72 hours, so I'm looking for a minimum of 270. Anything lower than that could indicate that the pregnancy is not viable.

Needless to say, it's going to be a very long weekend.

Let's Get This Party Started

Well, I thought AF would be here by now, but no such luck. There was some ambiguous spotting on Thursday and I thought it had arrived earlier than expected, but nope. I've been crampy and headachy for days, so it seems like something's going on. I POAS (peed on a stick, for those not up to speed on the acronyms) this morning but it was a clear negative. So... I wait. My post-op appointment is on Thursday, so I guess if AF is still absent by then I can get started on Provera to bring on my next cycle, but I hope that won't be necessary.

In other news, after grappling briefly with my excessively guilty conscience, I had a job interview last week. Or, rather, a pre-interview test. I feel confident about the editing part but I'm not so sure about the writing part. I think this would be a good change for me, so I hope hope hope I make it to the next stage. I should find out this week.

This could shape up to be an eventful week. I'll keep you posted. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats.

Yes, I Am a Spaz

As you know, I've been trying to figure out whether I ovulated, and I've been concerned that if I did ovulate I might have to sit out the new cycle because I'd be expecting AF days before my post-op appointment. All this worry and uncertainty has been stressful.

I might have mentioned that I find health care professionals intimidating. I had the impression that Dr. L didn't expect to hear from me again until the post-op appointment, but I really, really didn't want to have to sit out yet another long cycle. So I stressed about it, scrounged up some courage, rehearsed what I would say in my head, and then this morning I made the call. It went something like this.

Me (nervous and babbling): Oh, hi, um, I have my post-laparoscopy appointment with Dr. L on May 15, but I think I ovulated, and if I'm right I'll be expecting my period to start a few days before the appointment, and I was hoping that since it's been four weeks since the lap, and since it's only a few days before the appointment, that maybe I could somehow do treatment this cycle, if it's okay with Dr. L?

Nurse: Yes, that was the plan. Call me on day one.

Me: Oh! Okay, thanks!

Yet again, I was stressing over nothing. I'm such a spaz.

Did I Ovulate?

That is the question of the week. I still think I might have, but Fertility Friend still refuses to give me crosshairs. My "shift" has lasted for nine days now. My temping has been a bit sporadic this "cycle" because I did not expect to o and, as I've mentioned here, I wanted to quit to give myself a true TTC break. But it seems I'm a temping addict.

Anyway, maybe my dear readers could take a look at my chart and let me know what they think. Pretty please? :)

My chart

New Look Complete

Thanks for your votes yesterday! It was a close race, but it looks like #3 is the winner. See above for pretty new blog header. This was really my favourite too, with #2 as a close second. But nobody voted for #2, so I guess my sense of aesthetics must have been off with that one.

I'll probably tweak #3 a bit, but I love the font and the colour. Someone commented that it looks hopeful, which is appropriate and good. I am hopeful. I can't wait to get going on IUI#3. "Only" 15 days till my post-op appointment with Dr. L, when I expect to finally get this show on the road.

A New Look!

Help me choose a new header image for my blog! I've clearly had too much time on my hands lately. Which is your favourite? Please vote in the comments section!

#1

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#3






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#5

Failing to Kick the Habit

Remember that post last Saturday, "Trying to Kick the Habit"? Well, I haven't done anything I said I was going to do. The diet stalled before it got out of the driveway, I have done very little exercise, and I've been spending as much time as ever on the Nest's Trouble TTC board. I did stop temping, but only for four days.

Oh, and my cousin came back to stay with us for another month because she got a job — yay! I like having her here, but I'm much more likely to indulge in bad food (and bad TV) while she's around.

Let me tell you about the temping. Last Saturday it was CD32 and I was feeling pretty certain that I would not be ovulating this cycle. But it kept niggling at me — what if? It's hard not having that information when you're so used to it. And so, because apparently I'm an addict, I resumed temping on Thursday — just in time to see a temperature shift that has continued for five days now. It's not super high, but it's higher than my usual follicular phase temps.

So, I might have ovulated! Good, right? Well... maybe not. If I did ovulate last week, my next cycle will start about five days before my post-op appointment with Dr. L, and I might have to sit out yet another cycle. I guess I could call and beg for an earlier appointment, but I always feel like such a whiny, needy pain in the ass when I do stuff like that.

Due Diligence?

Did I do my due diligence in all this infertility stuff? Should I have done more?

Sometimes I think we went about this all wrong. I went off BCP fully expecting what did in fact happen — nothing. Okay, I had one AF the next month, and I thought, cool, what a great time for my body to decide to start working! And then nothing, for the next five months. But the point is that I expected it. And instead of doing something about it — instead of, say, researching fertility diets that promote ovulation or going on any diet just to get healthier and lose some weight — I just waited. I took my prenatal vitamins and I waited until I was due for my annual checkup, and then I went in and got my referral to an IF specialist.

Now I wish I hadn't been in such a hurry. And I wonder, since I'd only been off BCP for six months, why didn't my doctor suggest trying ways to get my cycles going naturally? Or, why didn't she look at me long enough to figure out I probably have PCOS and put me on metformin to see if that helped before sending me off to the specialist?

Even now, one year into treatment, I still haven't got my act together. My attempts at dieting are half-hearted and laughable, really. Whenever I read about a particular diet I get overwhelmed and doom myself to failure before I begin. (The GI diet was great for about two weeks.) Every time I see Dr. L he asks me, "Have you lost any weight?" And I say, "I don't think so," and I feel ashamed.

My long-term plan, assuming continued infertility, is this: I'm going to do four more IUIs, for a total of six, and if I'm still not pregnant, I'm going to take a long break before thinking about IVF. And during that break I'm going to go all out — I'm going to do acupuncture and really commit to a diet and make my body a lean, mean, baby-making machine. And if that doesn't work, I'll consider IVF.

But wait, isn't that plan all wrong? Why am I not taking a long break now and doing all that stuff? Oh, I know. Because now I've been trying for 18 months and now — now I'm impatient.

I'm editing this post to add a footnote: I did lose 30 pounds the year before I stopped taking BCP, and I have somehow kept it off, so technically I'm in the best shape of my adult life. I only need to lose another 20 to fall into "normal" range, and I guess there is a part of my brain protesting that an extra 20 pounds can't possibly be what's preventing me from getting pregnant. But still.

Random Pic of the Day

Since I don't have much going on, I thought I'd throw in a random pic. This is my mom's dog, Riley. (Well, I paid for half of him, but then the next year I went away to college and he's been hers ever since.) He is the love of my life next to my husband — such a sweetheart! In case you're wondering, he is three-quarters sheltie and one-quarter poodle.

Trying to Kick the Habit

K and I rented Juno tonight, and we both enjoyed it. It was cute and sweet and funny, and the only character I didn't like was Vanessa, the adoptive mother, played by Jennifer Garner. I was uncomfortable with how ... fragile and desperate she seemed. Maybe I'm just afraid that will be me someday, or that others will see me that way. But I loved the title character, and the relationships seemed very real. Two thumbs up.

I have decided that the best way to make the next month until my post-op appointment go by quickly is to try to put it out of my mind as much as possible — "it" being IF and TTC. I have been completely unsuccessful with that during all previous breaks, but I'm going to give it another shot. Why is it such an all-consuming obsession? I'm going to stop temping (it's CD32 and there's no sign of o) and I'm going to try hard not to talk about "it" and to lay off the Nest. What else can I do? I will continue to take my twice-daily prenatal vitamins, of course. Luckily, if you want to call it luck, I'm desperately swamped at work and should be concentrating on that. I need to be about 300 percent more productive than I have been in recent months.

What will happen to this blog, you might wonder? Well, as I mentioned in the previous post, besides work I'm going to try to focus on losing some weight — 20 pounds to my goal weight. My cousin has been staying with us for the past month (she's 22 and size 6), and we kind of used her as an excuse to eat out a lot and to have plenty of treats and "fun food" on hand. Well, she left this morning, depriving us of our excuse. So, I guess I'll post about that once in a while.

But you'll have to allow me just one more tiny rant: I've been TTC for 18 months now, and in that time I have ovulated just five times, and I'm probably not going to ovulate again until June. That sucks ever so much.

Okay, I'm done. :)

And Another Long Wait Begins

I finally made my post-op appointment, and it's not until May 15 (which also happens to be my fourth wedding anniversary, btw). This is apparently just the way Dr. L does things — the post-op appointment is always four to six weeks after the op.

Does he not understand how incredibly frustrating this is for his patients? My last treatment cycle ended with a BFN on February 5, and then I had to wait for two months for the lap (was supposed to be 3.5 months but happily I got a cancellation spot), and now I have to wait another five weeks for the post-op. Seems a little ridiculous to me, especially considering that I'm anxious to hear his take on the endo. And then I'll probably have to take Provera to start my next cycle, so that's yet another two weeks before we can get moving again.

IUI#1 was in October, IUI#2 was in January, and now IUI#3 will be in June — sooo much waiting! I think I've been pretty patient, but at the moment I'm feeling incredibly frustrated, and sad, too. :(

Back to reality

So, today was my first day back to work after the lap. I was exhausted all day and almost immediately overwhelmed by my workload. I can't believe I was so lazy over my holidays — I should have been working! (Just kidding, of course I shouldn't have been working...) I applied for a new job yesterday. I really hope I get an interview.

Sadly, I'm not going to have anything TTC related to talk about here for a few weeks. Sometime this week the nurse from Dr. L's office is going to call to check up on me and schedule my follow-up appointment. In the meantime, I really am going to try to focus on eating well and losing weight. Would you believe I actually gained a pound last week? Ridiculous.

Recovering

We went outside for a little walk yesterday — just across the street to Shoppers Drug Mart and Blockbuster — and I discovered that feeling okay while walking around the apartment does not necessarily mean I will feel okay walking around outside. I suppose I was trying to take longer or quicker strides. Whatever, it caused painful stretching of my abdomen, and I ended up sort of hobbling and slightly hunched over, and I had renewed vaginal bleeding when I got home. It's all good, though. My instructions were to gradually resume normal activities, doing a little more each day, so that's what I'm trying to do.

K, my darling, has been wonderful. He made me Rice Krispie squares and has been fetching me drinks (even tea, which he usually refuses to do, claiming ignorance of the intricacies of the steeping process) and setting up DVDs. I've watched so many episodes of Gilmore Girls. :)

I'm dreading my return to work on Monday. I can't wait to have this conversation over and over: "Yes, I did enjoy my holidays ... No, we didn't go anywhere ... No, we mostly just hung out at home ... Yes, it was a bit boring ... Well, I guess we're just boring people." LOL

Lap Continued

Yes, I have still more thoughts to share about it, but yesterday's post was quite long enough!

I want to say, as a follow-up to my anxiety post a couple of days ago, that the hospital was not intimidating, and the staff were all very nice and sweet and made jokes to get me to relax.

And here's the best part: When Dr. L spoke to K right after the surgery, he said our chances have been improved by 18 percent. That sounds like a completely random number to me, but I'll take it! I'm afraid my optimism is going to be out of control next cycle.

Since I'm not taking metformin this cycle, I figure I'm not likely to get AF before my follow-up appointment next month. Dr. L will have to give me provera to bring on a bleed and we should get IUI cycle #3 going by late May. Come on, baby!

My Lap Experience

Yesterday I was mostly okay. Hungry on and off, but nothing I couldn't handle. This morning I was miserable. For some unfathomable reason we had to be at the hospital two hours before surgery. Shortly after I got there they dressed me in the hospital gown, robe, and slippers, took my blood pressure, asked a few questions, gave me a blanket, and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for almost two more hours. I had a headache that was bordering on a migraine and I had to rush to the bathroom to throw up bile three or four times. And I was freezing but having occasional hot flashes. I put my head on K's shoulder and tried to sleep. I think I managed to doze for a while.

Finally they came and got me and I couldn't wait for them to knock me out. I remember the IV going in, then looking around waiting to feel groggy or something, and then I was gone. When I woke up I was incredibly thirsty and shivering hard under a heated blanket. Once the shivering was over and I was a little more awake, I actually felt okay — definitely better than I had pre-op.

They moved me to recovery, gave me water, and K came to see me. He told me the results: apparently they removed some endo. Just a bit from two spots. I was not expecting that! I thought there would be some scar tissue, and we actually got conflicting reports on that. Dr. L told K there was no scar tissue, but when his assistant stopped by to go over the results with me she said they removed a small band of scar tissue. She also said they were expecting to see a polyp and there wasn't one. Um, I didn't know we suspected polyps. Weird. I'm supposed to go for a follow-up with Dr. L in about four weeks.

Anyway, they told me to sleep, and K went away, but I couldn't sleep. It was loud in there and I had to pee. Finally I got a nurse's attention and she took me to the bathroom. One of my fears going in was that I wouldn't be able to pee afterwards (there'd been a couple of recent posts about that on the Nest), but I had no problem. The nurse even seemed impressed by how much I went. LOL Also, there was a lot of blood from, the nurse said, moving my uterus around. Ew.

By the time K came back I still hadn't slept, so they discharged me and we took a cab home. We were at the hospital from 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m., and poor K was there the whole time, bless his bored little heart, mostly doing Sudoku puzzles on the Nintendo DS. I ate some toast when we got home (which made me very full) and had a nap from 6:30 to 8:00. I have some tenderness in my abdomen and pain at my incision sites, a sore throat (probably from a breathing tube, although I have no memory or knowledge of one), and a bit of shoulder pain from the carbon dioxide they used to expand my abdomen during the surgery. So far I've taken one Tylenol 3. Overall, I'm feeling surprisingly okay.

Well! That account turned out to be way more detailed than I was expecting. I highlighted the results in blue in case anyone got bored and just wanted to get to the meat of the matter. :)