Weight Matters

Warning: Anyone who doesn't want to read a pregnant woman's freakout about weight gain should turn back now. I know it's a tedious subject but I just need to let it out.

So. I had my 24-week appointment today (a little early). I have now gained 22 pounds. That's up nine pounds since December 22. Um, oops? Guess who went a little crazy over the holidays! I was doing so well, too. I felt good about being up 12.5 pounds at 20 weeks. But now? I'm trying not to freak out about it. It's really not so bad... right? If I gain a pound a week from here till the end, which I understand is normal and reasonable, I'll have gained 38 pounds. ... Okay, that's not making me feel better. The books all say that since I started out overweight, I should gain 15-25. I've obviously blown that goal right out of the water.

I've spent so much time during this pregnancy telling myself that weight doesn't matter and that I'm not going to stress about it. Whenever I complain to Keith that I look or feel fat, he says, "No, hunny, you're pregnant. There's a difference." I know.

I know.

But I've spent my whole life worrying about my weight. I was a chubby child teased by classmates. I remember getting dieting tips from my skinny, pretty best friend when I was nine years old. It was only a couple of years ago that I finally managed to shed some weight and started to feel kind of good about myself (although I was still a good 15 pounds from my stated goal). It's really hard to watch the scale swing back the other way. I especially didn't want to see it go past my all-time high, but it looks like it's going to.

Deep breaths. It's okay. It isn't forever. It's for the baby.

21w4d

I had another level II anatomy scan today because the radiologist wasn't satisfied with the quality of the heart images from the first scan. The ultrasound doc felt this do-over was unnecessary — "You're wasting your time," he said — but good-naturedly said I should enjoy the chance to see the baby again. He confirmed with complete confidence that this is most definitely a boy.

We had the same problem as last time: the baby stubbornly kept his back to us so that the heart was difficult to see. The doctor spent a long time manipulating my belly and made me empty my bladder twice in hopes that he would move, but no dice. Finally the doctor got a shot he was satisfied with (I was on my side facing the wall and he was pushing upwards hard with the wand just above my pubic bone).

It's amazing how much the kid has grown. In just three weeks he has nearly doubled his weight and is now just a smidge under a pound. A pound! Tell me how it is possible that I still can't feel him moving around in there. I guess the anterior placenta combined with his apparent favoured position facing my spine conspire to muffle his movements, but still... he weighs a freaking pound! Any day now, right?

Here are some ultrasound pictures. Please excuse the quality of the reproductions; the first was scanned but the second is a photograph of the printout. You get the idea.

18w4d ~ cute!



21w4d ~ so much bigger! Doc said he was busy eating.

So, it's 2009...

Our holidays have been pretty quiet. Keith's parents were away in Florida this year, so we celebrated with them early and I got to spend more time in my hometown with my family. Even there things were quieter than usual.

As for New Year's... Keith doesn't believe in New Year's, says it's just a made-up holiday with no real significance. Today is just Thursday. It sort of bothers me that he can be such a downer, but I suppose not celebrating NYE is no huge loss to me. I've never been a drinker or a partier, and whenever I tried to do something fun on NYE in my pre-Keith life, it was always a letdown.

Last night I dozed on Keith's shoulder until he woke me for the countdown. We shared a little kiss and went to bed. And so another year ends and a new one begins.

But even Mr. Party Pooper can't deny that 2009 is going to be a special year for us. After all, it's the year we're finally going to become parents! In a little over four months, we're going to meet and fall madly in love with our sweet son, and our lives will be forever changed. (Part of me is recoiling at the sappiness of that statement, but it's undeniably true.)

I wish the next year were clearer in other ways — so much is still up in the air — but it will come. Everything will eventually fall into place. Wish me patience.

I wish all of my readers love and peace and happiness in 2009. For those of you struggling to conceive or seeking alternative paths to build your families, I wish you the joy and satisfaction of finally achieving your goals.

Halfway!

I made it to 20 weeks! To celebrate the halfway milestone, here's my first self-conscious belly pic. I was a size 14 pre-pregnancy, and for the longest time I just felt like I was getting thicker (read fatter) around the middle. I think it's finally clear that this is a baby belly. I've gained 12 pounds so far. I can live with that number.



And here's another first: my first purchase for baby. I bought it on impulse last week at Toys 'R Us while I was desperately searching for Christmas presents for my stepsister's girls. I got choked up just looking at the baby boy clothes and even a little teary at the checkout. Damn hormones! LOL



You might have noticed that I still haven't posted the promised ultrasound pics from the anatomy scan a week ago. I think I'll hold off until after the holidays... because today I found out I have to have another anatomy scan! Apparently the ultrasound doctor wasn't able to get all of the measurements he needs, so I'm going for a do-over on January 2. I hope to get some more pictures then.

Being Realistic

I need to give up the dream. We are not going to be moving to my hometown and buying a house any time soon. We are stuck in the big city. I get all choked up and depressed when thinking about staying here indefinitely, but I need to get over it and get used to the idea. Keith doesn't want to give up his job and it would be horrible of me to pitch a fit and insist he uproot his entire life (and risk our financial stability) to make me happy. He says maybe we can do it in another year or two, but I don't see what will have changed.

What's my life going to look like here? What will I do after my maternity leave? (I don't think I want to go back to my current job.) What kind of daycare will we get for the baby — should we be getting on waiting lists now? Will we ever own a home?

At least we will own a car, so I'll be able to visit my out-of-town family and friends whenever I want to while I'm on leave. I imagine that's going to be very important to me.

Big Ultrasound

I had my big ultrasound today. We got to see the baby moving around, kicking, waving, and even yawning — and yes, we were able to find out the sex. We're having a boy! My son currently weighs 250 grams (or 9 ounces, if you prefer). I think it's pretty neat that they can estimate the weight based on a few measurements.

We got four ultrasound pictures but they're not very clear. I'll try to post a couple later this weekend.

I think I have been imagining myself with a daughter, so this idea will take some getting used to, but of course I am so very happy and grateful that everything looks perfect and perfectly normal.

The ultrasound clinic was near Keith's parents' place, so we headed over there afterwards to share the news. Upon hearing that it's a boy, my FIL said excitedly, "That's what we wanted!" And Keith and I laughed and reminded him that when we first announced the pregnancy he'd said it had better be a girl because they already have a grandson (age 13). Too funny!

We're celebrating Christmas with Keith's family tomorrow because his parents are going to Florida for two weeks over the real Christmas. I just finished baking cookies to bring. Keith, like a kid, loves that he gets to open presents early, and will get more in a couple of weeks. OMG, I can't believe real Christmas is less than two weeks away! I'm so not ready!

Let's Talk About Sex!

Things are pretty quiet over here. I want to keep a more active blog but I haven't had much to say that would be worth your while to read. I feel fine and I don't look pregnant yet — just fat. I promise to post a belly pic just as soon as I have something resembling a baby bump, whenever that might be.

But there's some excitement on the horizon. Our big ultrasound is on Friday! I can't wait to see our baby again, to hear its heartbeat, and, I hope, to find out its sex.

It's funny how many of our relatives, and especially my relatives, think we're "ruining the surprise" by finding out the gender. I really thought everyone would be as excited to find out as we are. (My friend had the opposite experience and got a fair bit of backlash from her family when she decided not to find out.) Even my grandfather said we shouldn't find out. Surprisingly, my grandmother was on my side: she said she would have loved to find out if the technology had been available when she was pregnant with any of her six kids.

But, really, I think there will be quite enough excitement going on the day I give birth. Nothing will be "ruined" because we know. I think I need the "surprise" more now than I will then. Knowing the gender will help us (me) bond with the baby, help this feel more real. I will enjoy being able to apply a pronoun other than "it" to my child. Plus, we're going to need all the time we can get to come up with a name we agree on and love!

How do you feel about finding out the sex? If you already have a baby, what did you do? Are you glad you made the decision you did? Why or why not?