Proof of Life

I finally had my first ultrasound yesterday and it was amazing! We saw the baby and its tiny flickering heartbeat, and suddenly it all seemed so much more real to us. We have proof of life!

I was a little disappointed with the u/s itself, though, because I couldn't see the screen. The tech slid the wand around on my belly for a bit and then said, "There's the embryo." Of course I tried to sit up to see! But she said, "No, no, I'll show you later." She did, but only for a few seconds, and I'm not sure I saw anything when she pointed and said, "There's the heartbeat." I'm glad Keith was there to witness the whole thing. He said the heartbeat was much more obvious at other times. Also, we didn't get a printout. Sad.

After the u/s we went out for breakfast to kill a couple of hours before our appointment with Dr. L to go over the results. He said everything looks really good. The baby is measuring 7w3d, which is exactly where it was supposed to be, and the heartbeat was 160 bpm. He asked where I wanted to deliver, then told me the name of the ob he's referring me to, and that was about it. So weird. That chapter of my life is over — if this pregnancy progresses as it should I probably won't ever see him or his office again. They asked me to send a picture when the baby is born.

We hadn't planned on telling anyone until Thanksgiving (October 13 here in Canada), when I will be 10 weeks pregnant, but we ended up telling Keith's parents yesterday, and the news has spread quickly from there. I still plan to wait until the weekend after Thanksgiving to tell my family, because they live out of town and I want to tell them in person. I'm sure my mom already suspects after my visit last weekend, but that's another story!

Weekend

First things first — I'm seven weeks pregnant today! And my ultrasound is just 2.5 days away! Woohoo!

This weekend I went to a three-year-old's birthday party. My adorable niece (my stepsister's child) was in every way the Birthday Princess. She kept telling people, "Today is my special day." I think her big brother, as seen in the picture below, was a little bit put out that he wasn't the centre of attention.



They're both so cute, so precious. And they came into this world after their mother struggled with infertility for five years. I won't go into details, because it's not my story to tell, but they are an inspiration to me.

We are not yet telling people about my pregnancy. So far we've told only a couple of close friends. But this weekend I broke down and told my stepsister. Here's why:

At my dad's house after the birthday party, one of his drunken neighbours was going on and on about how I have to give my dad some grandkids. I said he already has some, referring to my stepsisters' kids, and she said, "Oh, it's not the same. It's different when it's blood. Just wait and see." Then she called my dad over and said, "What would you say if your daughter told you she was pregnant right now?" He said something smartassy first, but then he put his arm around me and said he'd be thrilled, of course. It was a surreal moment. I extricated myself and ran into my stepsister coming down the path towards me. I grabbed her arm and babbled a bit, while she looked at me like I was nuts, and then I finally blurted it out: "Can you keep a secret? I'm pregnant!" I was just dying to say it. She has promised to keep my secret until I'm ready to tell.

Mondays

I now have a reason to look forward to Mondays: it's ticker change day, and I get my "My Pregnancy This Week" email from BabyCenter! I'm finding this incredibly exciting. I'm six weeks pregnant today and still feeling good about it. There's a nagging little voice in my head saying, "Careful! Don't get too attached!" But it's too late for caution, and I can only enjoy the moment and hope it doesn't end too soon.

What else? Oh, I made vegetable chili for dinner last night in an attempt to increase my veggie intake, which is generally lacking. Things at work have been a bit better, so time hasn't been dragging quite as much as it was, which definitely helps my mood.

Ultrasound countdown: 10 days to go!

Found My Zen

With 23 days between beta and first ultrasound, I've had lots of time to work up a good level of anxiety. I'm still not quite as far along as I was when I started bleeding last time, so there's that fear, and then there's the worse fear that I could make it as far as my ultrasound only to discover a blighted ovum or some other problem. Time has been crawling by. I so badly want this baby to make it!

I'm not sure what, if anything, is different, but today I woke up feeling peaceful and positive. I have found my zen and hope I can hang onto it for another 12 days, until I can see for myself that everything's okay. I'm so excited to see the tiny flickering heartbeat of MY BABY.

Happy weekend, everyone. :)

Amazing!

From my five-week BabyCenter email: "Already her vital organs, including the heart, kidneys, and liver, are in place and growing." And facial features are already forming. This blows my mind. Just... unbelievable. Grow, baby, grow!

Five Weeks

It seems like ages since I got my first faint positive, but it was really only nine days ago. And my beta was only a week ago. And not much has happened since then.

Symptoms: lots of cramping, occasional breast tenderness, possible slight nausea, possible slight fatigue.

The recurring running commentary in my head goes something like this: baby baby happy baby i'm going to have a baby a healthy baby it's all good baby baby happy baby. This, of course, is meant to soothe the anxiety that sometimes pushes through.

Still 17 days until my first ultrasound...

Willing Suspension of Disbelief

I'm happy, of course, but I'm not as over-the-moon joyful as I think I should be. The truth is that I'm skeptical. Skeptical and scared. After all these months, is this really it? Will this be my healthy baby? I've heard so many sad stories — including stories that started with a good strong beta, I might add — and I had a chemical pregnancy myself just a few months ago. Why should I believe that this will turn out differently? I've never been a superstitious person, and always rolled my eyes at the thought of jinxes, but at this moment I am afraid that believing in it too much just might be tempting fate to take it away.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pretend my life is a work of fiction, and the plot has just taken a weird and wonderful turn. I'm still enjoying the story, very much so, but if I think about it too much I could easily pull apart the plot and expose its holes. Instead, I've made a conscious decision not to ruin it. I've willingly suspended my disbelief.

My first ultrasound is on September 25. It can't come soon enough!