Eek!

It's finally here! Today is bowel prep day, and tomorrow is my laparoscopy (and dye injection, hysteroscopy, and D&C).

I was allowed to have a light breakfast before 8:00 a.m., and now I can have only clear fluids until 6:30 a.m. tomorrow, after which time I can have "nothing by mouth." (The surgery's at 10:30 a.m.) We just came back from buying supplies at the grocery store. Today's menu for me: water, apple juice, Popsicles, Jell-o, and clear tea. At noon I have to start drinking a bottle of Citromag, and I'm supposed to make it last two hours. Mmmm. Delicious and fun.

I'm feeling nervous right now. I find hospitals and hospital staff to be very intimidating. My own infertility doc is performing the surgery, which is somewhat reassuring. I've heard from another patient who's had a couple of laps, one with him and one with another doc, that he's very good at it (as he should be; it's listed as one of his specialties on his business card).

I know that this is a common procedure for those dealing with infertility, but at times like this it feels just a bit surreal — going to such lengths to try to get pregnant. I'm having surgery tomorrow. I'm having surgery when there might not be anything wrong. I know it's important to know for sure, but there is definitely a little part of my brain saying, "This is crazy!"

Am I the only one who feels this way?

A Few Carefree Days

These past few work-free, worry-free days have been wonderful. On the weekend I played glow-in-the-dark minigolf, saw a movie at the theatre, ate out, and spent time with family and friends.

Today, I got a haircut (not quite what I wanted but I like it anyway), bought some new lipstick (in a subtle, barely-there shade that I feel very comfortable with), went to the dentist (no cavities!), and had dinner at a restaurant (again). It was a lovely day. Here's a picture in which you can see my new haircut, my new lipstick, and my newly cleaned teeth.



(My hubby must think I'm nuts. I took about ten pictures
of myself before I got one that satisfied me. I really don't
photograph well.)

Reprieve!

My "holidays" have become holidays! Yeah, I still have to fast on Tuesday and spend all day Wednesday at the hospital, but I'm not going to do anything work related for a whole week. I spoke to my supervisor about my workload issues and he said we could give the book I was going to spend my holidays working on to the intern. I was so relieved I almost cried, if that makes any sense. I honestly didn't imagine the solution would be that easy.

I hate to realize that I brought so much stress on myself just because I didn't want to admit that I was so far behind, and I didn't want to cause problems for my supervisor, who has enough stress of his own. I kept thinking I can handle this, I should be able to handle this, and blaming myself for not working fast enough, for being too distracted in the office, etc.

But I realized that this week needs to be about me. I'm going to get a haircut and I'm going to watch movies and Gilmore Girls episodes. And I'm not going to worry about work one little bit! It'll be fabulous.

"Holidays"; Or, Why I Need a New Job

I just can't handle the workload anymore. I routinely give up weekends and evenings to try to keep up, and frankly I resent it. I know it's at least partly because I'm not as productive as I should be at the office these days, but that can't possibly account for all of it.

Here's the deal: I copyedit books. And once again, my entire schedule for a book has blown by without me having had any time to actually work on that book. This particular book would normally be a three-week project. I had already agreed to do it in two weeks. Now I will be attempting to do it in one week — my "holidays." My "holidays" during which I will also be having my laparoscopy.

I'm not happy about this. It seems wrong. But there's no easy way to deal with it, and I just really just want to run away and maybe hibernate for a few months. Here's a picture:

Random Pic of the Day

I searched for years to find the perfect tea set that wasn't shockingly expensive. I finally found this one in January and I love it. It's so me — so smooth and shiny and pretty pale blue. It makes me happy. I think Austin likes it too. :)

Monday, Monday

I'm in a pretty foul mood today. Work sucks. I should have spent most of the weekend working on the two projects I brought home (uncompensated overtime, by the way), but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Which means I'm woefully behind this week, with my "holidays" looming on the horizon.

I'm quietly freaking out, as you'd already know if you were my friend on Facebook (lol). One of the projects must be done by the end of this week, and the other — well, I guess I'll work on the other while I'm recovering from my laparoscopy next week. It'll be a welcome diversion from all the daytime television I might otherwise be tempted to watch. Yeah.

I'm already mourning my lost holidays. I feel like I desperately need some time off, because work has been insanely busy for months on end now, and the Christmas break was a long time ago. But this is not how I want to spend it — working, a day of fasting and bowel prep followed by a day at the hospital, and then couch time with more working.

Oh, yes, I'm sure I'll return to the office feeling fully refreshed.

A Story

An old friend from high school called last night. We hadn't spoken in about two years. In that time, my life has remained exactly the same — same husband, same job, same apartment, same cat. No babies. (Evidence of a life on hold.)

Hers, on the other hand, has changed drastically. She has moved several times, separated from her husband, and had a second baby. She got married during her first pregnancy and separated during her second. The good news is that she's happy now. She's rebuilding her life as a single mother and taking some classes so that she can get a good job.

And although the last few years have been really rough, she says she wouldn't take them back for anything, because without them she wouldn't have her daughters. And she loves being a mommy.

Sometimes I ask myself if all this effort and expense to get pregnant is worth it — just because it's so hard for me to imagine what it will be like to be a mother. After talking to my friend, I felt strongly reassured that it will indeed be worth it. And I can't wait!